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So much of counselling and relationship advice is spent telling women how to keep their man that, this time around, Outlook magazine has decided to do things differently. This week and in the weeks to come, listen to counsellors attached to Family Life Ministries as they give advice to men on how to keep their marriages intact.
We begin with family therapist Kevin Bailey. You will know that your marriage is in trouble, the therapist says, when communication is almost non-existent or stiff and rigid when attempted, and when, "the wedding bells have become funeral bells."
The man, often described as the head of the home and the 'captain of the ship', can do much to save the marriage. First:
Do a thorough self-examination
This process can be quite difficult and painful but must be done if you are serious about saving your marriage. Ask yourself the hard questions: What have I done to contribute to the mess in marriage? What have I not done that should have been done? Have I neglected my wife in the pursuit of my career, work, ministry or my business? Maybe I have given my wife presents but I was not present?
Was I involved in an extramarital affair?
This reality, though too common in our society, is devastating to any wife, the therapist notes. Ask: have I been abusing my relationship, whether physically, sexually or emotionally? The list of questions are endless, but you must ask them and answer them honestly. Avoid the blame game or the scapegoating. Just concentrate on those things you are responsible for. Saying that your wife was cold and frigid does not excuse you for cheating. You may want to enlist a good friend in helping you to do the same. Choose one that has a good marriage - co-worker, boss, counsellor or pastor.
Admit where you have gone wrong
These three words can be the most difficult words for men to say, but they must be said. It takes a man to say 'I am sorry,' 'I messed up,' 'Please forgive me'. However, when these words are said from a true and genuine heart, the marriage may start to breathe life again. If you have been a pathological liar, it is going to be extremely difficult for your wife to believe you. She will want to see evidence of your changed behaviour. When you say you are sorry, it must be a serious indication that you are now ready to cease unhealthy behaviours and only engage behaviours that will grow your marriage.
Allow your wife space and time to process what you have said to her
She may clam up or explode. She may have a number of questions to ask. Why did you go with that particularly woman? How could you be so selfish and self-centred? How could you be so wicked when I gave you my all? Do not defend yourself. Do not try to stop her from talking. In fact, it is necessary for her to speak her mind. Do not be quick to offer solutions. Just listen. Your wife needs to be heard so that she can find her emotional equilibrium again. Do not walk away either. Face the music, remember you are the man.
Embark on a programme of courting your wife again
Remember those days when you were dating/checking her? You did a few unbelievable things. You pursued her, showering her with your love. You spent hours talking to each other. You had romantic weekends, picnics, going to the movies and having ice cream. You were humorous, the life of the party. Life, somehow, was not so serious, so tense and dead. What about the infectious laughter? Now is the time to do those special things you know would make your wife go wild. Open doors for her again. Write her a love letter or poem. Send her flowers or chocolate. Plan secret getaways to her favourite restaurants.
Tell your wife how you want to be her best friend and work towards achieving the goal
Ask her for her suggestions and incorporate them. Work towards having mutual friends and participating in activities together. Invite her to be with you on a business trip - to play football or watch a cricket match. Let her be a part of your hobbies.
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