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“What you doing tonight? I wish I could be a fly on your wall.” To most people that line seems a sort of random and odd thing to say. If you find it appealing you're either a nut job or an entomologist (that's big people's talk for bug person). If you actually know where that line came from I hope with all my heart you're a girl. Because a man should be ashamed for knowing who said that. I feel a little less masculine just writing it in my column it's that bad.
“What you doing tonight? I wish I could be a fly on your wall.”
To most people that line seems a sort of random and odd thing to say. If you find it appealing you're either a nut job or an entomologist (that's big people's talk for bug person). If you actually know where that line came from I hope with all my heart you're a girl. Because a man should be ashamed for knowing who said that. I feel a little less masculine just writing it in my column it's that bad.
The owner of that peculiar passage is none other than former “American Idol” runner-up Clay Aiken. You feel where I'm coming from now?
I never really paid attention to what people say in their songs. Words were just words in my mind, and I didn't really care what was being said. Until someone pointed out to me how stupid that line was, I didn't know that such laughable lyrics existed. If you continue on in the same song titled “Invisible,” the words take a turn for the somewhat disturbingly worse. The chorus indicates, “If I was invisible, then I would just watch you in your room… I would be the smartest man, if I was invisible. Wait, I already am.”
Can anyone else say creepy? I'm convinced the writer and director of the “Saw” trilogy had this song on repeat as they created their macabre masterpieces. That line itself is probably the solitary prime of what a stalker thinks about. The literary resemblance to characters such as Charles Manson and Ted Bundy is strikingly poignant. But hey, who cares? He almost won “American Idol,” right?
In another attempt at a love song, singer Daniel Bedingfield declares one of the most unrealistic and quite possibly most brainless statements in all of music. While serenading to a lost soul mate he says the line, “If you're not the one, then why does my heart return your call?” Huh? What? Does that make any sense whatsoever? Is that even physically possible?
I know that he's speaking figuratively and that it's based on emotions, but seriously, why does my heart return your call? I could not, as a man, look into the eyes of the girl I love, say something as pathetic as that, and feel comfortable with myself. I just couldn't do it. Yet, Don Juan Bedingfield is ripping lines like this one off left and right.
I think when an artist is trying to serenade his lover, some sort of demon possesses his mouth and spits out some of the most grotesque and absurd lyrics that are known to man. The list goes on and on. John Mayer in “Your Body Is A Wonderland”: “One pair of cherry lips and your bubble gum tongue….” Does that sound appealing to anyone? Do girls find it romantic when their boyfriends make analogies about how hot their tongues are?
Vanessa Carlton argues against the laws of physics in her song “A Thousand Miles” with the line, “If I could fall, into the sky, do you think time would pass me by?” First, how can you fall up? And second, what does her falling into the sky have anything to do with the relation to time? I guess when you're in love, the laws of time and space have no application.
And I think that we could give the redundancy award for being most redundant to Ashanti for her song “Baby” in which she says the word baby a record total of 91 times. In one stanza she sings, “Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, I love you. Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, I love it when I hear your name.” Can she please think of another pet name or word to describe her boy? Because I'm about to pull my hair out if I hear the word baby again.
Now in the history of love/romance songs there has been quite a few lyrical blunders. However, I would have to say that the worst lyrics ever written, hands down, were those uttered by the band LFO in their song “Summer Girls.” Here are just a few lines to prove my point:
“You're the best girl that I ever did see, The great Larry Bird jersey 33. Stayed all summer then went back home, Macaulay Culkin wasn't home alone. Fell deep in love but now we ain't speakin', Michael J. Fox was Alex P. Keaton… New Kids on the Block had a bunch of hits, Chinese food makes me sick… There was a good man named Paul Revere, I feel much better baby when you're near… Like the color purple, macaroni and cheese, Ruby red slippers and a bunch of trees. Call you up but what's the use, I like Kevin Bacon but I hate 'Footloose'…”
These have to be the most random, ridiculous words ever put to song and sold in stores, all in the name of love. The list can go on and on. I could fill the newspaper with songs that make you clench your teeth in disgust and angst, but sadly I must end. I think I'll go home tonight and wish I was invisible, oh wait, I already am.
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