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Tying me up is getting me down

Date: 2006-11-27

In the last couple of years, I really discovered that I enjoy the bondage and discipline scene. To my surprise, I like being the slave with my boyfriend. Now, for us, we're not into anything too heavy; the discipline or endurance training doesn't break skin for example. We primarily enjoy the power roles of Master and slave. For example, I feel great comfort and security kneeling in front of my boyfriend and talking, or if we're watching television, I'll sit on the floor wearing a collar while my boyfriend is on the couch. To add to the role playing, I'll be the one getting him a drink or munchies, or cleaning up after dinner.

A few weeks ago at the Northbound fetish party, I liked kneeling in front of him in the chill-out room. It just seemed natural, completely mutually respectful, fun and loving. In fact, I saw a younger gay couple doing the same and they looked so beautiful. So why do I feel so guilty? Why do I feel this stigma that the role I've found myself in is considered weak and needy? A HAPPY BUT GUILTY SLAVE

Big secret, Slave: nearly everyone feels weak and needy when it comes to sex, no matter how they like to get it. It's how we act on this that determines healthy and unhealthy sexual expression, not the expression in and of itself. Lack of respect for boundaries, unwelcome abuse, disparate and unresolved feelings, these are all things that hurt a relationship no matter what its fundamental narrative.

Go to any conscientious sex store in Toronto and you'll find scads of useful, assuaging information on bottoming. I recommend books by Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton.

So they're pimps, is what I mean

I'm a closet heterosexual. I'm crazy for sex when I'm romantically involved with someone, but when I'm single, I flog the dolphin three times a day. It's at the point where it's interrupting my work. It takes years to meet someone special, and any "in between" time should be spent joyously in the throes of bachelorhood. I go out alone sometimes and when the opportunity arises to bring someone home with me, I get nervous and chicken out at the last minute. Then I curse myself the following weeks for letting such a much-needed opportunity get away. What the hell is wrong with me and why am I so shy? I think part of me is also judgmental of the girls I so desperately desire. STICKY STUCK

I love your definition of a heterosexual: someone who is insatiable while in a relationship, masturbates compulsively when they're single and is terrified of sexually available women. None of these are uncommon, of course, but the last is worth looking at in detail if you're interested in multiple casual partners without all the (Catholic? Jewish? Calvinist? Muslim?) triggered drama.

Having said that, it's also worth noting trends like Cake (www2.cakenyc.com), a hugely successful lifestyle club that organizes parties for women by capitalizing on promiscuity and exploration as empowerment.

"We want YOU! The hottest generation to step up, speak out and have your voices heard," the website yowls when persuading readers to share stories for their new book. "The Cake Report will redefine the image of female sexuality from the old and tired (enough of this victim crap) to the new and improved (and real!). We know all of you out there are having some mad, hot sexiness and we want to be in on the dishing. With your help, sex will be portrayed with accurate relevancy and kick ass style." The hottest generation? Mad, hot sexiness? Jesus, who are these blowzy marauders swinging their dildos around and bulldozing men in and out of their beds?

Read the fine print and you'll find out.

While Cake "enables" users to "be juicy, be real, be yourself," it also makes sure that by doing so you're rewarding the company and its affiliates with "a non-exclusive, royalty-free, perpetual, irrevocable, and fully sub-licensable right to use, reproduce, modify, adapt, publish, translate, create derivative works from, distribute, and display such reviews, comments, or other content throughout the world in any media." (I know, I know, at least it's non-exclusive.)

The two women who run Cake hold degrees in human sexuality and women's studies (gee, anybody else remember doctors in cigarette ads from the 1940s?) and say they believe "that the next wave of feminism will be our generation of women demanding that sexual empowerment leads to gender equality."

I, too, believe this version of sexual empowerment will lead to gender equality, inasmuch as women will have as much opportunity to be sexual consumers as men do. They can explore their sexuality in ways that are both exhilarating and unsettling all the while overlooking the need to articulate their feelings properly because they become convinced that this makes them unappealingly vulnerable. Nope, no more of that old "victim crap" - here's a whole new brand of victim crap: consumerism masquerading as choice. Actually, not all that new, is it girls?

"The brilliance of Cake is they're not really doing anything," says my friend Stacy, an advertising executive. "They tell the customers that they need to be members if they are liberated, powerful women, and then they tell the consumer to generate material back to them. In making the consumer a member, they enroll them in the success of the company. A member becomes an advocate for your brand in a much more powerful way than a regular consumer because they are identifying themselves personally with the brand." The kicker? "Anyone who calls them on what they're doing can be labelled as being against a company that facilitates female sexual freedom."

Yes, Sticky, I hijacked your question and drove it off in what might seem to be an irrelevant direction. But the intention was for you to think about a few things. First: this rush to depersonalize sex is often steeped in a whole lot of careful yet heedless profiteering, so keep your eye on that. Second: you're shy because, like so many of us, you probably weren't taught to be gentle with yourself and others when it comes to your sexual needs and these people aren't helping with that one fucking bit. If this doesn't explain a few things, get back to me and we'll have another crack at it.





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