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Before the Internet, the world of dating was a small place. Meeting people was usually restricted to introductions by family and friends, the school or work environment, or the local bar. But with the accessibility of the world wide web, more and more people have expanded their dating boundaries with some positive — and negative — results.
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$">Literally hundreds of “dating” websites exist on the Internet, catering to every taste, whim, and requirement. From sites that join people from the same religion, to those that connect married people looking for something on the side, interpersonal relationships and the way we meet people has taken on a whole new face in 2004.
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$">AdultFriendFinder.com describes itself as the world’s largest online sex personals and swingers community, with enticing ads promising viewers they can, “Find a fiery one-night stand, erotic threesome, or a long-term wild relationship with a like-minded sexual connoisseur.”
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$">The site carries thousands of member profiles, with photos of real members looking for real “adult action,” with members’ photos often being nude.
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$">As with many of these sites, members can send and receive emails anonymously to and from other members. There is a chat room where members can meet new friends, have cybersex or set up parties in their communities.
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$">Membership is free, but premium memberships with extra services such as keyword searches, email notifications of new members and unlimited email and chat are offered starting at $10 a month. Members supply credit card numbers and are billed monthly. The site is available in Spanish, French, German, Chinese, Portuguese, English and Italian, has 12,375,599 active members and 180,310 new photos each week.
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$">Jacques (not his real name) is a married Montreal-area businessman in his 40s who has two children. He became a member of SexyAds.com two years ago.
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$">“I wanted to meet a compatible sexual partner. And a friend,” said Jacques, who has been married for 15 years.
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$">“I used the net because this is private,” he said. “It’s much easier to hide.”
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$">In the first two months of his membership, Jacques exchanged emails with six women. One sent him an erotic picture of herself that he says was in good taste.
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$">Jacques had browsed sites where the profiles included graphic “show-all” pictures. “They turn me on,” he said. “But if a woman shows too much to a complete stranger, I don’t think I want to meet her.”
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$">Jacques said he would not have been interested in the woman if he hadn’t seen what she looked like. “I didn’t want to get disappointed,” he said. “First looks are an important part of first impressions.”
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$">Sociologist Aaron Ze’ev in The Subtlety of Emotions, writes “Cyberspace is full of changes and new opportunities — in this sense it is indeed an exciting place…The belief that cyberspace provides us with better alternatives is crucial in generating intense emotions. This may somewhat compensate for the less personal and practical nature of cyberspace.”
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$">Jacques finally chose a woman who not only appealed to him physically and intellectually, but she lived in his area.
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$">“The woman who sent me her nude picture also lived closest to me by far. And I liked the answers she gave to my questions,” Jacques said.
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$">Jacques says that they engaged in fantasies and role playing by email for about two months, and that the emails played a major factor in making the decision to meet her. “I wanted to see if she was actually going to do what she was writing,” he said.
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$">Jacques said he wasn’t disappointed in the woman he met. “For the most part, she lived up to the fantasy.”
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$">He said that one of the disadvantages of meeting people online is the uncertainty of whether the “real” person matches the image they project through their pictures or emails.
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$">“I was very fortunate that the person I met was honest in describing herself,” he said.
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$">Eighteen months later, Jacques is still in a relationship with the woman he met online; they meet once a week. The frequency of sexually explicit emails has diminished. They use the internet for short, practical messages.
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$">Asked if he would repeat the experience, Jacques answered: “Probably not.”
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$">He said that the guilt he felt about having an extramarital affair weighed on him.
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$">The makers of SoulMatch say that their members are a cut above those in other websites.
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$">Created by Beliefnet, whose mission is to help people meet their spiritual needs, this dating service uses a detailed questionnaire to create profiles that reflect a person’s beliefs, values, spirituality and character. All profiles submitted are screened for abusive or vulgar language, mention of illegal activity, personal contact information, and political or business solicitations.
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$">“Our members are extraordinary individuals, and they’re using the Soulmatch profile tool to share what makes them special,” reads the ad. Their emphasis is on personal safety, and to that end, they run regular features on their site giving advice on how, for example, to prepare for a first date and how to know when you’ve met your soulmatch written by “expert” columnists. Further emphasizing personal safety, the ad reads: “With our private messaging system, you can ask all the questions you want, flirt, and get to know people well before meeting in person.”
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$">Perhaps this advice would have been helpful for clients of Helene Gervais, a minister who married a couple who met on the Internet and wed four months later. After three weeks, the woman filed for divorce when she discovered her new husband was trying to take money from her and her sick father. Her ex-husband is now in prison on unrelated charges.
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$">“I think maybe the woman was naïve,” said Gervais, who has conducted 600 weddings.
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$">“The guy was a crook [and] when I met them, I had a feeling he was a crook. I advised the woman to take her time and get to know him, but she said ‘no.’ The day of the wedding, I knew the guy was not right. Apparently, he has done this with other women.”
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$">Gervais says that it’s not meeting someone on the Internet that creates problems, but rather, it’s more about rushing into things.
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$">“I’ve had a few marriages from Internet relationships and this one was the worst I’ve seen. You have to know someone before you get married and take your time. This woman was a good woman, who worked hard and took take of her kids, but when people are in love, what can you do?”
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$">Not all Internet love connections end up so badly. Erica Sendel, 30, has been Internet dating since 1999 and found her most current boyfriend through another man she met on Jmatch.com.
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$">“There are two sites that I frequent, Jwoo.com and Jmatch, and that’s where I met Andy, who is my current boyfriend Mike’s best friend.”
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$">After dating Andy a week, Sendel knew he wasn’t right for her, but one look at his friend, and she was hooked.
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$">“Andy said to me, ‘come to Karaoke with me and meet my friend.’ I went to the Roadway Inn and met his friend of 30 years and I felt sparks right away.”
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$">It’s been two and half months for Sendel and Mike and she says it’s going great. Sendel, who has tried speed dating (which wasn’t successful) as well as tele-personals, previously had a long-distance relationship with a man she met through the Internet and with whom she moved to Toronto to live, says caution is the watchword when dating on the Internet.
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$">“You have to be very careful and very sure,” she says.
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$">“If the guy refuses to give you his phone number first, then something’s not Kosher. Once you’re connected, my suggestion is to email frequently off-site to get to know each other. Then meet in a very public place.”
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