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At first, singles sought out The One.
They searched dark corners of dive bars, the pews at church and frozen-food aisles for soulmates. They consulted the likes of Dear Abby and Dr. Joyce on how to find their match. They even resorted to meetings with psychics to determine if this would be the year of The One.
But now, knowing what to look for in the love of your life isn't enough. Singles want to know: Who is not The One?
The phenomenon is turning up in bookstores and on magazine racks, Internet sites and television. Singles, although mostly women, are looking to weed out the wannabes. To put it simply, they want to know sooner rather than later if the relationship is going awry.
"I think it goes to the we-want-it-now way of thinking," says Colorado-based relationship expert Janice Hoffman, who's awaiting the publication of her book, Relationship Rules, 12 Strategies for Creating a Love That Lasts. Look in the self-help aisles at national bookstore chains and you'll find dozens of titles that come at dating and relationships from a negative angle.
When Your Lover Is a Liar.
When the Man in Your Life Can't Commit.
All Men are Jerks: Until Proven Otherwise.
Never Kiss a Frog: A Girl's Guide to Creatures from the Dating Swamp.
And there's that now-famous best-seller He's Just Not that Into You, a line taken from a Sex and the City episode.
Sarah Lehn-Doherty, 29, of Winter Park, calls it her "bible," and says it helped her find the love of her life, whom she married last month. She had consulted self-help books before, but this one forced her to look for trends in past, failed relationships and also to look inward.
"So many women stay in a bad relationship just to be in a relationship," Lehn-Doherty says. "Most women fear being alone."
Lehn-Doherty says she eventually would like to write a dating book focused on her own life lessons.
"It's really knowing about what you want and going after it," she says.
Stories with a moral
Most of the relationship books carried by Borders still focus on finding The One, says spokeswoman Ann Binkley. However, in the past couple of years, publishers have presented a Borders buyer with one or two "breakup books" each season, she says.
Soon another such title will join the ranks -- When Did You Know . . . He Was Not the One? Set for release in February, it tells the tales of regular women, ages 18 to 81, and when they realized they weren't with The One.
Sisters Wendy Bolton Floyd and Judy Bolton, of New York, conducted more than 1,500 hours of interviews to chronicle "the collective aha moment," when each woman realized she was with the wrong partner. Seeing that the market was "saturated" with books focused on finding The One or female-focused relationship books written by men, the sisters decided to give women another perspective with the help of other women's voices.
"I think women need to take stock in themselves, and listen to other women," says Wendy Bolton Floyd. "We want them to know they are complete people without a man. And you can be an incomplete person with a man."
The idea, she says, is for women to learn the "red flags" in relationships through someone else's experience.
The stories range from laugh-out-loud funny to heartbreaking. For instance, a Florida woman told them her moment came at her father's funeral. She said her boyfriend walked out of the service, and when she asked why, he said it was because she wasn't paying attention to him.
Dr. Molly Barrow, a psychotherapist, author and relationship expert from Naples, equates the trend to the growing number of women who've gained financial independence.
"Women are now capable of making it on their own," Barrow says. "They're able to say no to a lukewarm deal."
Also, Barrow says, relationships increasingly come with more risks, and singles must weed out the bad ones for personal-safety and financial reasons, among others.
"You can waste so much time [in a bad relationship]," Barrow says. "You can fall in love with someone even when part of you is telling you this is wrong."
Web of advice
That conflict alone has driven singles to the Internet in search of answers.
Online compatibility tests seem to have an answer for everyone. There are tests to determine if your mate is actually "into you," or whether your spouse is a cheating, lousy, no-good dog.
"There are no exact figures on how many people take my online tests," says Jeff Cohen, relationship expert at dating .about.com and a columnist for Yahoo! Personals, "but they are by far the most popular feature on my dating site. People are most interested in relationship advice that applies specifically to their situation."
The Web is a breeding ground for this kind of advice. There are lengthy lists to determine if he's not Mr. Right (He's never available when you call, He complains about finances) and types of women to stay away from (She doesn't unlock the car door for you, She's a gold digger, She always wants you to pay).
Singles consult blogs, such as breakupnews.com, dedicated to others' heartache, in hopes of gleaning some information that will help them.
Anna Jane Grossman and Flint Wainess, authors of breakupnews.com and It's Not Me, It's You: The Ultimate Breakup Book, have created a forum that has attracted thousands of people, some feeling brave enough -- and fed up enough -- to share their not-the-one stories. Grossman says she was writing engagement announcements in New York when she met Wainess at a wedding.
"Have you ever thought of writing break-up announcements?" Wainess asked her. And their blog was born.
"This is when you need the fanfare," Grossman says of those fresh out of a relationship. "Do [married people] really need the blender and a trip to Aruba? Isn't love enough?"
All agree, though, that it's better to be single than stuck with someone who's Not The One.
"Once the honeymoon phase passes, it's natural to ask 'Where is this headed?' " Cohen says. "It's so much better to know where you stand in a relationship, rather than coexist in no-man's land."
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