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As a singles and relationship coach I get asked almost daily, "How am I supposed to meet someone without looking like I am just flirting with or hitting on someone?"
That's an excellent question. Especially since most of the "advice" out there on dating is basically how to obtain as many one night stands as you can.
So the question becomes how do I meet and approach someone, and ask them out without looking like a player? (For those of you that do not know, a player is basically someone who is just out for a good time, sometimes at your expense.)
The myth is that somehow you are supposed to meet or run into someone and immediately ask them out based on initial attraction. I think this one gets taught through our popular culture, through music, magazines, TV and movies. We get the notion that you are supposed to "go in for the kill" as soon as you meet someone. This is especially true for guys, who think they have to ask someone out right away. Most of the single women I coach tell me that this approach causes them to think this guy must do this all the time and he is really not interested in me.
The Rule of Three for Singles
The rule of three states that you need at least three interactions with someone before you can know if this is a situation worth pursuing. The goal of the first interaction is to be friendly, funny if you can be, and leave a good impression. One goal of the second interaction is to see whether there is continued interest. A second goal is to share something about yourself and notice the reaction. For instance, if I mention something about picking up my two young boys and the person says "Wow, do you ever get any time to yourself?" I know I don't want to go any further with this. If the person says "Wow, you must have a lot of fun! You sound like a great dad" then this is a green light so far. Finally the point of the third interaction is to chat a little bit more and say something like "I'd really like to get to know you more. Are you open to getting a cup of coffee, lunch, etc?"
The Rule of Three in Action
Let's say you find the teller at the bank to be very attractive. The first time you talk, just be friendly, maybe use a little humor, and leave a good impression. The next time you go in, talk a little longer, share some information about yourself, and pay attention to how they respond. It's a very good sign if they share some personal information in return. Then on the third time you go in, talk a bit more and then ask about a time the two of you could talk further. You may find yourself having to go to this bank more often than usual.
But what if I meet someone at a party that I may never see again? Great question, and the rule of three still applies here. When you walk up to this person or are introduced, chat for a few minutes, leave a good impression, and then excuse yourself to get something to drink, and ask if they would like something as well. That's the first interaction. The second interaction is when you come back with your drink(s) and talk a bit more. Here is where you see if there is any common interest or alignment between the two of you. You can then excuse yourself to use the bathroom or to say hello to someone. A little while later you circle back around and have another conversation, and if it's a green light, you can ask for an opportunity to get together.
Using the rule of three allows you to go slow enough to know if this is really someone with whom you want to spend some time, while allowing you to go at a fast enough pace to set up a time to do something together.
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