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The wittiest lonely hearts ads

Date: 2006-10-31

Every week, thousands of lonely hearts ads are placed in newspapers and magazines. But perhaps it’s surprising that some of the most witty appear in the pages of the highbrow London Review Of Books. A new book has collected some of the most amusing — and desperate...

A collection of witty and eccentric lonely hearts ads from the London Review of Books have been brought together for a new book.

David Rose, the review’s advertising director who launched the personal ads in 1998, is behind They Call Me Naughty Lola.

It features some of the most brilliant and often absurd ads from what’s been billed as the world's funniest - and most erudite - lonely-hearts column.

Here’s a selection of the funniest, beginning with the one which inspired the book’s title:

• I LIKE my women the way I like my kebab. Found by surprise after a drunken night out and covered in too much tahini. Before long I’ll have discarded you on the pavement of life, but until then you’re the perfect complement to a perfect evening. Man, 32. Rarely produces winning metaphors.

• LIST your ten favourite albums. I don’t want to compare notes, I just want to know if there’s anything worth keeping when we finally break up. Practical, forward-thinking man, 35.

• YOUR buying me dinner doesn’t mean I’ll have sex with you. I probably will have sex with you, though. Honesty not an issue with opportunistic male, 38.

• MATURE gentleman, 62, aged well, noble grey looks, fit and active, sound mind and unfazed by the fickle demands of modern society seeks. . . damn it, I have to pee again.

• TIRED of feeling patronised by the ads in this column? Then I’m not the woman for you, little man. Today you may be benighted and insignificant, tomorrow you will be more so. Now off you go.

• BALD, short, fat and ugly male, 53, seeks short-sighted woman with tremendous sexual appetite.

• DISREPUTABLE, mean, ruthless, perverse, hateful wretch. But what do divorce lawyers know? Woman, 40s, marketing director for major international publishing firm, London/SE, you’ll soon find that I’m the finest fellow breathing. Just take time out to get to know me.

• FROM now on I’m only going to reply to my own ads. That’s because I’m funnier and better-looking than any of you. Publicist F. 29.

• I’VE DIVORCED better men than you. And worn more expensive shoes than these. So don’t think placing this ad is the biggest come-down I’ve ever had to make. Sensitive F.

• MEET the new me. Like the old me only less nice after three ads without any sexual intercourse. 42-year-old fruitcake (F).

Romance is dead. So is my mother. Man, 42, inherited wealth.

Bastard. Complete and utter. Whatever you do, don’t reply - you’ll only regret it. (Man, 38)

• CONGRATULATIONS! You are the thousandth reader to pass this ad by. Your prize is to pay for dinner and listen to me bitch about my university colleagues until pub turfing-out time. And no, you don’t get sex. Ever. Ever, ever, ever. Sensitive F. 38.

• SO MANY men to choose from, so few vitamin supplements. Arthritic F. 73.

• SAVE it - anything you’ve got to say can be said to my lawyer. But if you’re not my ex-wife, why not write to Box No5377. I enjoy vodka, canasta, evenings in, and cold, cold revenge.

• ALL I need is the air that I breathe and to love you. And a five-door saloon (fully air-con). And a minimum income of £55k (Rs 4,715,828) per annum. And two holidays a year (Latin America, plus one other of my choosing). If you can meet these requirements, apply to ‘Evil Dragon Lady, Breaker Of Men’s Constitutions’ (37).

Today we are kittens, but tomorrow we are tigers. Confused zoologist (F. 34).

Ladies: apply now for opportunity to make love with Roman gladiator (bankrupt publisher, 5ft 2in, but every bit a man).

• WILL you sleep with me? Knowing is half the battle. Man, neither the time nor the inclination for subtleties.

• MY MIND is a globe of excitement. My heart is an atlas of generosity. My body is a map of struggle. You can camp out on the flat heaths, but careful where you tread and remember to close all gates behind you. Akela of desire (F. 38) seeks orienteering M to 45 for nights of bluster and queuing for the showers

• ARE You Kate Bush? Write to obsessive man (36). Note, people who aren’t Kate Bush need not respond.

• UNIVERSITY lecturer in Russian literature (male, 57). Great legs.

• I LIKE you because you read magazines with big words. And you’ve got great boobies. I can live without the first. But the second is non-negotiable. Shallow man, 34. When I say ‘shallow’, I mean, damn.





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