Newlyweds face new problems; here’s how to solve them

My in-laws are too involved in our lives.

THE RESCUE

Create boundaries.

Your spouse feels awkward putting limits on his or her folks, and when they feel left out, they lay on the guilt. You and your spouse need to set boundaries and explain them in detail. Try limiting dinner together to once a month, long weekend vacations to once a year, and weekend phone calls to one. Have your spouse explain that the situation is new to everyone: to them, to you two and to the other set of parents. Explain that you need to launch your marriage, and that means spending time together alone or with friends. Let them know that you love them and count on their support and that they are not being excluded from your lives.

Marriage isn’t as much fun as dating. Your new status brings a great level of comfort and familiarity, but it also can leave you feeling like the spark has faded.

THE RESCUE

Schedule your time.

Your previous life together was planned, such as dates and the wedding. Now you sit together on the couch watching “24.” That’s cool, sometimes, but you also need to actively plan “together time” away from the TV. Each week one person takes the reins to rekindle the romance. Rent bikes one Sunday afternoon and tool around town. Revisit the scene of your first “I love you.” Serve breakfast in bed (cereal will do — it’s the thought that counts).

I thought after marriage my spouse would change, and it’s not happening.

THE RESCUE

Reconsider those changes.

Find a way to say what you want so it sounds more sincere and less naggy. Confront the situation before you get too fed up, and say it in an “I’ll bend if you bend” type of way. Ask for a favor.

Some behaviors will need to be modified, such as spending money. You probably have different ideas about spending and saving, and that won’t change by ordering her to quit updating her cell phone every six months. In this case, you need to arrive at a mutual plan. Work on it together, not as one person chastising the other.

My spouse thinks in terms of “me” and not “we.”

THE RESCUE

There is a need after marriage to hold on to our own identities (which might be tougher for a wife who changed her last name). It doesn’t mean you don’t love each other or don’t want to be married; you’re just used to taking care of yourself and making your own choices.

It boils down to this: Each mate wants to participate in the decision-making.

If friends ask you to go on a friends-only trip, immediately call your spouse instead of the airline and go over dates and projected money you’ll spend. And when a home improvement decision arises, ask for creative input before bringing home the paint cans.

Working as a team will be tough at first, but it will go a lot smoother if you respect each other.

We love each other, but we fight a lot.

THE RESCUE

Fight constructively.

Fighting is healthy, as long as it leads to solving a problem and helps you learn to manage your differences better. One partner should not always give in just to end the argument. The common goal should be to settle the case. Constant bickering that goes nowhere will take its toll, but a disagreement is better than holding in a concern and becoming resentful. The key is to use heated debates to find a resolution that satisfies both partners’ needs.

The next time a fight ensues, outlaw name-calling and cursing. It’s all right to raise your voice, but don’t escalate into a screaming match. Explain things in terms of “I feel,” something like, “It hurts my feelings when you tease me in front of your friends.” And then back that up with reasons. Never lay blame, declare absolutes or point fingers. For example, avoid saying “You never take my side!” or “You’re always messing up!” Once you learn to speak rationally, it will be easier to reach a resolution. Don’t stop communicating. If fights get nasty and seem never-ending, it might be time to consider counseling for one or both of you. Don’t think of it as the last straw but as a proactive way to keep your marriage strong.