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All three women were anxious, even eager, to share their domestic abuse experiences. One even contacted The Journal insistent on telling her story.
Except for one small detail. They were all adament on anonymity.
Why?
Because even though they had moved on with their lives, they still feared for their lives.
All believed their former husbands were good men. They just had a character flaw -- a propensity to abuse their spouses.
The other character flaw they all agreed on? There would be serious repercussions by making the abuse public and by naming names.
Three women chose to abandon the dual pain of abuse, as well as the end of a marriage. Their stories are unique, yet much of what happened to each paralleled the others.
Skii -- "Use that name," she insisted. "I like that name." -- stressed she was not hiding anymore behind the stigma of an abusive marriage.
"I'm 55 and I'm moving on with my life," she pointedly said in her newly acquired apartment. "I realize now the chain of violence has been broken."
Angela (not her real name) wasn't old enough to buy adult beverages when she married, was abused and filed for divorce.
"I'm certain I wouldn't be where I am today if circumstances had been different," she punctuated that assertion with a nod. "I'm far more mature, not so sheltered and innocent."
Renee (also a pseudonym) knew she had to make the decision to leave for good.
"My safety and my girls' safety was the most important thing," she had written in a paper for a college English class. "The days of darkness had to finally have some light."
Fried chicken too dark
Skii met her husband after graduating in 1968 from high school and married him while attending college. She dropped out after she discovered she was pregnant, but returned to become a registered nurse in 1980.
Although Skii knew her husband had a temper, she said she would never forget her husband's first violent incident about six months into the marriage.
"I was so proud because it was my first real dinner, fried chicken, mashed potatoes and corn. He said, 'That's for supper?' and picked up the plates and threw them against the wall," she said calmly.
"Later, he apologized and said the only reason he did that was because the chicken was darker than he was used to," she added with a sigh of resignation.
Skii sensed that her husband could be violent although the bulk of his ill-treatment was verbal.
"All my emotions were involved," she said with a shake of the head. "I was afraid. I was confused. I felt worthless, humiliated."
Skii felt particularly threatened one night and called the police when her husband was on another tirade. When the officers arrived, they told him to "straighten up," and "like that, he did. For awhile," she said.
Skii came to Sioux City in 1995 to visit her daughter who had taken a job here. She felt drawn to the friendliness of Siouxland and made the decision to move here.
"I brought a few clothes," she said. "I needed to get away. I needed some peace."
For 13 years, Skii was estranged from her husband, but eventually he made amends with her and moved here as well. At first things went well, then deteriorated.
"He would use bad, foul language and belittled me," she said. "I had started writing, but every time I would write something, he would tell me how much he hated what I wrote."
She added, "But he never touched me because I told him, 'The first time you hit me, I'm done.'"
It took him more than three decades from the date of their marriage to strike her. In March, he was provoked because Skii made some innocuous statement.
"He cussed and yelled at me, then suddenly took my head and smashed it into the wall," she said.
With some circumvention while sitting on their couch, Skii hid their cordless phone until she had the opportunity to call 911 and tell the dispatcher her address. The police arrived and arrested him.
"As they took him away, I felt bad," Skii confessed. "But I truly believed that if he was allowed to come back, he would have killed me."
Locked in bathroom
Angela also feared for her life the night in February the domestic violence escalated.
"We had our biggest fight ever and I remember Sasha Cohen was skating for the gold medal," she said. "But I don't remember what started it."
Her husband yelled and screamed and ultimately locked her in the bathroom.
"I had hidden my cell phone and my keys in my underwear, because I was going to make a run for it, but he got them," Angela said. "When I convinced Nathan (not his real name) I was calm enough to come out, he opened the door and I darted out."
However, she was caught and returned to the bathroom. Angela cried extra loud to cover her crawling out the window and running in the bitter cold in her socks and no coat to a friend's house three blocks away. Her friend wasn't home so she ran another mile to her grandmother's house.
"I went back that night because he was insisting everything was OK," she said.
One month later, another fight was sparked about inviting his family to dinner and this time, Angela was again locked in the bedroom, again with more yelling and screaming.
"This time I made sure I had a sweatshirt with the phone and the keys and shoes on," she said.
"I called my dad and he helped me move out while Nathan was away. Then I called Nathan and said, 'We're done,'" she continued. "He called about 16 times and kept texting me about how much he loved me."
Angela's anxiety was so intense, that she, her mother and sister hid out for three days. During that time she hired a lawyer and had her husband served with papers, ending seven and a half months of married life. She took out a protection order and ultimately a permanent restraining order for a year.
Warning signs
Looking back, Angela said the warning signs were there, but she chose to ignore them.
"While dating and engaged, he was very controlling about my friends, my clothes, where I was going," she said. "My folks saw it and even said something, but I didn't listen."
After all, Angela knew her husband from high school. They dated for a year and a half before having a one-year engagement.
"I had the dream wedding and the dream honeymoon," she said with a shake of her head and a sad expression.
Despite the idyllic ceremony, the marriage went sour in two weeks, Angela said.
"We were discussing something and all of a sudden, he shoved me really hard across the room," she said. "We must have both looked shocked because he apologized immediately and promised it wouldn't happen again."
That lasted until the next day, when another disagreement resulted in another hard shove. A few days later, Nathan pinned her on the bed during an argument and Angela threatened to call the police. Married life became a bit calmer, but not for long.
"He never hit me, but he would pinch or squeeze me so hard, it would leave bruises, as well as picking me up over his head and throwing me across the room," Angela explained. "In fact, a number of times he said, 'Don't make me hit you.'"
Beaten until bloody
Yelling and screaming weren't the style of Renee's husband Steve (not his real name). He was quieter, but far more volatile.
"He had a sexual addiction that ultimately took over his life," Renee said.
She discovered the addiction one day after coming home from work and finding their 2-year-old daughter playing on the porch unattended while music was blaring inside the house.
"I walked upstairs and discovered him masturbating, surrounded by so many magazines I couldn't even count them," she recalled. "But when I confronted him about his actions and neglecting our daughter, he grabbed me, threw me across the room and proceeded to kick me in the ribs and beat me until I was bloody."
Through her tears, Renee said she called 911 and an ambulance and the police showed up. Renee pressed charges and the couple were apart for five months.
"I started missing him," she admitted. "I would look at my daughter and think that since he had gone through the batterers' education and anger management ordered by the court, things would be better. He even told me he was a changed person and he seemed sincere."
Renee had no reason to disbelieve him. Like Angela, she had known Steve in high school. Her senior year, he "professed his undying love" and eight weeks into their relationship -- when she was 18 and he was 21 -- Renee discovered she was pregnant.
"He was the best guy friend I had; he was everything I wanted in a man," she insisted. "I was on birth control, but my doctor said the antibiotic I was on must have interacted with the birth control and I ended up pregnant."
They married in 1997 when their daughter was almost 2. Renee said there was name-calling during arguments and Steve would break things, including his own foot when he kicked a car wheel.
"The first time he hit me was over the head with a newspaper, but I don't know what caused it," she shared.
When the couple reconciled, there was a year of peace, so they decided to have another baby. They were living outside of Sioux City when Renee reached the end of her rope, catching Steve again with his pornography.
"I had to run to the store so I asked him to watch the children," she said. "As fate would have it, I forgot my checkbook and returned home."
She discovered Steve "gulping in his addiction and not caring if the children were in harms' way." Renee announced she would be leaving and started to head for the door.
"He grabbed my hair, banged my head into the cement wall and told me I would never leave him," she said, again tearing up. "I tried to run for the door, but he stopped me by holding a knife to my throat and telling me if he couldn't have me no one else would."
Renee's screams alerted neighbors who called the police. When the sirens could be heard, Steve ran off.
"My children watched this and I can remember looking in their eyes, seeing the fear I had felt for 11 years," said Renee, who turns 30 this year. "I knew I had to leave for good."
Marriage is forever
Dealing with family turned out to be more of a challenge than any of the three women imagined.
"My family said, 'We always knew he was mistreating you. We just couldn't say anything,'" Skii said.
"Only two people out of all of my friends and my family expressed some surprise when I told them Nathan and I weren't together anymore," Angela acknowledged. "Nathan's family acted like it was my fault; even suggested I needed hormone therapy because I was making him upset."
"Actually it was Steve's folks and his family who were very supportive of me," Renee said. "Except for my mom, who knew what was going on, other members of my family couldn't believe I would leave such a nice guy."
All three women were adamant that the reason they stayed in the abusive situations was a strong belief in the commitment that accompanies marriage.
"I was raised to believe that marriage is once," Skii said. "Family was the most important thing in one's life."
"My mindset was that you are married once," Angela said. "But even my mom said, 'You can't live like this. Sure you should marry once, but if one of you is this unhappy, don't stay in it.'"
"I believed you married for better or worse and you can't imagine how many times Steve would throw that in my face when I talked about leaving," Renee said. "I prayed that I was doing the right thing by leaving and one day I woke up and knew what I was doing was right."
In all three instances, the women pleaded with their husbands to consider therapy.
"He admitted to me he knew he had a problem, but wouldn't do anything about it," Skii said. "He acted like a good person to everybody but me."
"I begged him constantly," Angela said. "He refused everything, then said he would consider seeing a priest. I said no; I wanted to go to a therapist. He wouldn't hear of it. I even told him I wouldn't have kids while he was treating me like this. That didn't make a difference either."
"The court made sure he went into counseling, but he never felt there was anything wrong with him," Renee said.
The three women all acknowledge they are comfortable with the decision to end their marriages, but life hasn't suddenly become blissful for Skii and Renee.
"I've had some health problems," Skii said. "I haven't been able to work, but I'm working now. But I still don't have enough money for rent, the utilities or the phone."
"I struggled with: 'What did I do to deserve this?'" Renee wondered. "My life was such a roller coaster for so many years and now it's hard for me financially; plus I want full custody of the kids and Steve's fighting me on this."
"I've never been happier in my life," Angela stressed. "I can hang out with my friends; I can go to school and study for a profession and when the phone rings, I'm not afraid of what Nathan might do."
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