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Don't be afraid of commitment

Date: 2006-10-19

Today I want to broach upon the subject of what it means when people say that they are afraid of commitment. Let us first begin by defining the word commitment. The online dictionary has a few different references: 1. the act of committing, pledging or engaging oneself, 2. a pledge or promise; obligation, 3. consignment, as to prison, 4. confinement to a mental institution or hospital.

So listen… I really appreciate all the e-mails and text messages received over the course of the week about last week’s article on taking chances. I had no idea so many people were in need of a pep talk. Glad I could be of service. Now you see, there are so many ideas I want to discuss and right now since we are kind of headed there, I wanted to talk about LOVE…what is love and all that mushy stuff, but I have to hold off on that for a little while. Yup… you’re right… I am going to make you wait with baited breath to find out what love is. Don’t be mad; it is worth the wait.

Today I want to broach upon the subject of what it means when people say that they are afraid of commitment. Let us first begin by defining the word commitment. The online dictionary has a few different references: 1. the act of committing, pledging or engaging oneself, 2. a pledge or promise; obligation, 3. consignment, as to prison, 4. confinement to a mental institution or hospital.

So many people say they are afraid of commitment and that is absolutely a fallacy, a cop-out you might say. Well, let me break it down for you! THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS BEING AFRAID OF COMMITMENT.

I mean, I guess I could see how it would be scary if you are using definition No. 3 and No. 4 that state that commitment is confinement to prison, a mental institution, or a hospital, but otherwise that is not a valid excuse for not wanting to be serious in a relationship. I mean, it’s nice for the person to whom you are saying it because then he or she feels like it’s a psychological problem you have, but it’s still lying.

I know some of you are probably thinking: “Oh, Dr. Love you don’t know what you’re talking about ‘cause I’m morbidly afraid of commitment!” Well, give me a chance to explain.

Say you have been dating your favorite actor/actress for a couple of months and then you have a dreaded DTR (Determine/Define The Relationship) talk. And this person says to you: “So… umm… I would like to be more serious and be exclusive.” I don’t care who you are, there is no way you’re going to say: “Well you see, I’m afraid of commitment.”

I know if Catherine Zeta Jones approached me that I would be committed in a second! Shoot, I wouldn’t even let her get her sentence finished before I would be nodding my fool head off in agreement.

So why do people say, assume or think they are afraid of commitment? Because they are not ready. There is a HUGE difference between being afraid and just not being ready.

There are a few different reasons why someone could not deem themselves not ready. I mean, if you just graduated high school and moved here to go to college, you’re probably looking more to make friends and enjoy your single life than you are for a strong commitment. If you are someone who just got out of a long-term relationship that did not end well, you are most likely not looking to jump into another relationship. If you are someone who has relative ease in getting people to date you and be attracted to you, then you most likely are not one looking for commitment.

However, all these reasons come down to one thing: YOU JUST HAVEN’T FOUND THAT PERSON THAT MAKES YOU WANT TO COMMIT. It’s not that you are bad person, it’s not that you are a player, it’s not that you have a problem with commitment. It is just that you are still looking for someone to rock your world and make you want to settle down. That’s not a bad thing at all. It just means you are a careful person in relationships and know what you want and won’t settle for less.

It takes time to be ready for commitment. You have to get to know the person pretty well in order to be willing to throw every other possible romance out the window. So if you are a person wondering why your last relationship didn’t work out, well, most likely it’s because the other person wasn’t ready. It has nothing to do with how attractive you are or with your personality; it is all about time.

Let me give you one of Dr. Love’s great analogies! A romance is like a fire. If you don’t give it oxygen and room to breathe, it will soon die! So the best way to test your and others’ fear of commitment is by time.

I would like to leave you with a great quote by Robert Sternberg, a psychologist and psychometrician who has a BA from Yale, a doctorate from Stanford, and four honorary degrees. By the way, psychometrics is the field of study concerned with the theory and technique of psychological measurement, which includes the measurement of knowledge, abilities, attitudes and personality traits. One of Sternberg’s main research interests is love and hate. Sorry that was a tangent, I just wanted you to know that he really knows what he’s talking about.

This is his quote: “Passion is the quickest to develop, and the quickest to fade. Intimacy develops more slowly, and commitment more gradually still.”

So be patient, my friends. Now you can still hit me up on my e-mail at shamblerecords@yahoo.com. I would love to hear from you all!





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