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As images of ghosts and goblins creep into the scene, so does a day to celebrate the tricks of obtaining or maintaining a healthy relationship. Sweetest Day—a time to foster and nurture loving relationships—is marked on the calendar as the third Saturday in October. This year, it’s Oct. 21.
Father Albert Cutié, the so-called “Father Oprah” of EWTN, Catholic television network, lent his insights about dating and relationships Oct. 6 in an e-mail interview with the Catholic Explorer. An advice columnist and speaker, Father Cutié is also the author of the recently published book, “Real Life, Real Love,” in which he reveals the seven paths to a strong and lasting relationship. His strategy toward building and nurturing healthy relationships is based on practical approaches to mature interaction. Specifically, the road to harmony, he said, includes building a solid foundation, mutual respect, clarifying expectations, honesty, communication, learning to live with differences and commitment to growth and maturity.
Concerning the potential for confusion and anxiety over effective methods in the search for love, Father Cutié suggested that adults should program their antennas for meeting in ordinary locations. “Do not give up on traditional meeting places—church, work, family relationships. Too many people have limited themselves to nightclubs and bars,” he said.
Internet dating is a new avenue for meeting potential partners, but Father Cutié warned online users to keep to sites that reflect shared principles. “Online dating can be good if the site is dedicated to promoting your common values and traditions. If you are risky and not too interested in long-term compatibility, any site will do. I would be cautious, because I have met people with very scary stories about the types of folks on some sites. It’s always wise to be choosy, Internet or not,” he said.
The discussion varies for high school and college students as well as young adults, said James Healy, psychologist and director of the diocesan Center for Family Ministry. His self-designed presentations about relationships serve to disprove myths about love and explain the definition of love, based on Catholic social teachings. Combining humor with cultural trends, Healy attacks negative presumptions about dating and finding the perfect mate.
“The myth is that you have to go through a bunch of bad relationships first, but there are ways to speed up the process,” he said. The signs of “true love,” he said, are revealed slowly. The notion of “compatibility” is often restricted to physical attraction and shared interests. While those things are part of the equation, he said, “what’s more important is values compatibility.” A shared set of values, morals and ethics are the foundation for a long-term relationship, Healy said.
“The problem is that so many people move into sexual activity so fast,” it “masks” the problems, such as excess alcohol consumption, violence or inappropriate behavior, he said.
Even if an individual has already managed to identify an image of a healthy partner, Father Cutié said, the reality of dating can take a toll on a person’s self-esteem. “Opening ourselves to love is always risky. A person can identify many good things from the first moment, but that’s not enough. You have to get to know someone at the core—that requires courtship, dating, sharing life experiences. I always say that you need four seasons—at least a year—to really come to understand if this is the right person for you.”
Along those same lines, Healy tells young people the search for a loving life partner requires “a stable structure.” “Passion” and “romance” are integral to the overall structure, but that’s not all that matters, he said. A partner for life is based on friendship, and finally, commitment, he added. However, all three aspects are “not necessarily present at the same time.”
Healy offers a test to check if the object of love is truly compatible. One of the best ways to see if love is right is to substitute a partner’s name for the word “love” and put it together with the common features associated with that emotion—“Love is patient; love is kind; love endures all things,” which comes directly from Scripture, 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. Does your partner fit in the (slot)?” he asked.
A regular speaker at colleges and young adult ministry meetings, Healy debunked another common myth about love and relationships. The idea of “soul mates” has been misconstrued and misrepresented on screen in romantic comedies. “There’s only one person out there for me, only one soul mate. And what if I never meet my soul mate?” He unscrambled the misconception by breaking it down into bite-size pieces. First of all, he said, “There’re probably quite a few people who fit the job description” in terms of compatibility, but a soul mate relationship is something that evolves over time; “it’s compatibility in values and goals and beliefs.”
If rejection or the break-up of a long-term relationship is knitted into an individual’s experience of love, Father Cutié said prayer is an effective tool when it comes to dating and building relationships. “Prayer is always necessary to discern, seek God’s wisdom and ultimately make good decisions. A person that prays knows that there is a greater power that guides our daily actions. Rejection always comes from below, not from above. When we feel rejected and lost, it is good to look up and know that we have a loving father who created us to love and be loved. He never rejects us or stops loving us.”
Father Cutié offered a few tips about leaving the mistakes and influences of past experiences behind. “People come to relationships with the good and bad from the past. Today, so many young people have experienced the pain of divorce in their own families, that they may think it is totally normal or natural. The truth is, divorce is traumatic and painful.”
The Catholic advice columnist is syndicated in the daily newspaper, El Nuevo Herald. Father Cutié is also broadcast on Radio Paz, for which he serves as station director for the Archdiocese of Miami. In conclusion, he stressed that individuals should be specifically aware of how specific experiences have injured one’s ability to love appropriately. Those issues should be identified and dealt with in a way that won’t impede future relationships, added Healy.
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