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Dr Victoria Lukats is a psychiatrist and an expert on relationships and dating. Today, she helps Steve work out the shallow dating scene.
If you want to ask Dr Lukats's advice send an email to askvictoria@ukmetro.co.uk. Please bear in mind she cannot enter into private correspondance and cannot answer all questions. Any advice given will be published on the website. Dr Victoria works with Parship, the company that powers our dating service. To find a date on Metrosexual online dating, click here.
Dear Victoria,
Hiya, I have not had great experiences of relationships since my first girlfriend when I was 21. In the first one, I was put down by my girl until I almost lost contact my family and lost all my friendships. All my self confidence was pumped out of me. My second relationship I was used for money and left in debt and my third just couldn't decide what she wanted. My family think I'm too kind for my own good and too honest. Is there such a thing? Women on the train ask where all the good men are. My experience is that people still go for what's on the outside rather than the inside. Steve
Steve, I suspect that you've just not met the right person yet. Rather than assuming that all women will treat you like this you should concentrate on your positives and remember that there are many women out there who are not looking to take advantage just because you're kind and sensitive.
However, since you are 28 now and haven't found a longer term relationship, despite the fact that you would like one suggests that you could probably do with a bit of a 'dating detox'.
Firstly you should examine your attitudes to women. There will always be people out there who are out for what they can get rather than wanting a serious relationship and there will be people who aren't certain if you're right for them. This comes with the territory.
The trick is to become more assertive in a relationship so that you stand up for yourself more on the smaller things right from the start. This comes from self-confidence and finding the right way to strike a balance between saying what you think but without appearing too arrogant, bossy or controlling.
A relationship with no arguments at all will eventually lead to a build up of resentment.
Don't allow yourself to be treated like a doormat or to be taken advantage of. This doesn't just mean not lending someone large amounts of money that you can't afford.
It also mean speaking up if your girlfriend never phones you, always turns up late, cancels dates or puts you down in front of people.
Nobody wants to nit pick, but once a relationship is established (some time after the first few months), if the relationship is going to last the distance, you have to find a way to both speak your mind if your not happy about something.
You can learn something from every relationship and do something about it in your next relationship.
In the meantime, you could probably make a concerted effort to get out and meet more women and take positive steps to build your self confidence. You may not have met the right woman for you yet, but she's probably not going to just land in your lap either.
I know there's a temptation to not try too hard, not appear desperate and not to go looking for love as it's supposed to only happen when you least expect it, but provided it doesn't become the focus of your life, then I think you have to get out there and make it happen. You wouldn't expect to get the job of your dreams by simply waiting and finding a relationship is just the same. You have to do the ground work if it's not happening already.
That means: preparation (building your confidence, take up a hobby even if it's something where you won't expect to meet women, maintain an active social life, keep busy, chat to people more in every day situations), planning (if it isn't happening once you're busier and socialising more then think of ways to meet women – internet dating, singles events, through friends of friends, going out with your single friends to the sorts of places where you'll meet suitable women), and action (contacting women through an internet dating site and ask women out on dates – it might be scary but the only way to tackle your fears is head on).
If you put in the effort you're sure to go on a few dates, but always remember that the first impressions are vital. Make and effort with your appearance: look clean and well groomed, get a haircut and wear nice shoes (women do notice). When you go on dates walk tall, appear confident, smile and make eye contact straight away, ask questions and listen and relax and be yourself.
It's not true that women only like men who treat them mean but a lot of women don't like men who appear too earnest (it's nothing to do with whether you're nice or not, it's more your general demeanor and attitude). Appearing confident but not arrogant is vital, especially during the first few dates.
There's no need to provide a constant stream of compliments – just one or two genuine ones will do and there's no need to appear too eager with constant phoning and texting.
If you're going on dates regularly enough (at least every month) you will meet someone who could be right for you soon enough. But remember to start as you mean to go on.
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