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Suppose you're a young woman who's been dating a man for months. You yearn to marry him and buy a house together. But he hasn't proposed, and you're loathe to pop the question yourself. You're becoming increasingly anxious because the lease on your apartment is up for renewal soon, and your landlord is demanding an answer.
As in this hypothetical case, housing plans often become entangled with relationship issues, says Neil Chethik, author of “VoiceMale,” a book that examines men's attitudes on commitment, marriage, sex and related issues. Chethik's findings are based on in-depth interviews with 70 men and a survey of another 288.
He says many men find it hard to express their feelings, making it tough for women to read their plans for a relationship. Yet he contends most men long for marriage as much as women do -- and sometimes more.
“There's a conventional myth that men are commitment phobic. In fact, they just commit more slowly than women,” according to Chethik.
Traditional women often balk at the idea of posing direct questions to a man about his intentions for their relationship. But Chethik says this approach could be your best bet - especially if your biological clock is ticking and you want to settle down soon.
Typically, a man who seeks to buy a home with a woman expects to have a permanent relationship with her, Chethik says. “Though single people do buy houses nowadays, most people get the urge to settle down and purchase a property about the same time they're ready for a permanent partner.” Here are several thoughts for women trying to scope out a man's intentions:
•Think of home-buying as a litmus test of a relationship. Merrill Ottwein, a real estate broker and past president of the National Association of Exclusive Buyer Agents, tells the true story of one client, an executive secretary who'd been living for months in a rental unit with an Air Force captain. Both were in their late 20s.
The secretary was eager to become the captain's wife and to buy a house with him. He agreed to go house-hunting with her. Soon they found a modest but charming ranch-style property that suited both their tastes and budget.
The couple was on the verge of signing a contract offer for the house when the man abruptly changed his mind. The situation caused him to think through his involvement with the woman. He decided he wanted out.
The lesson, of course, is that a possible home purchase can be a make-or-break element in a relationship that's not already fully defined. If either party comes down with a case of the jitters, that could be a very negative signal.
“The secretary was extremely unhappy with the man's decision,” Ottwein says. “But at least she found out his true intentions and could move on with her life.”
•Look for behavioral clues to a man's motivations. Chethik says women can discern a great deal by observing subtle clues.
“Has he invited you to meet his family or taken an interest in visiting your family? If not, that could be a negative signal,” he says.
Also, take note of the way he introduces you to his friends. A man is usually much more serious about a woman he introduces as his “girlfriend” than as simply as his “friend,” according to Chethik.
•Notice hints of a man's intentions in the place where he lives. If you and your boyfriend maintain separate apartments, you can discern clues about his views on your future by looking around his apartment.
“Does he have pictures of you on view at all times, or are they sometimes down when you visit his place? If he is not showing your photos all the time, he could be keeping his options open with other women he brings to the apartment,” Chethik says.
•Observe how a man handles his vacation and holiday plans. “One negative signpost involves a man who, after spending many months with a woman, is still making unilateral vacation plans,” Chethik says. “Maybe he's also spontaneously going on long weekend trips with buddies, without consulting her first.”
Men prize their freedom and resist a woman who seems controlling, he says. Yet a woman who's been dating a man for a long time should expect to be included in most of his leisure-time plans. If a man is spending all three of his vacation weeks in Europe without you, how likely is it that he'll want to marry you and buy a house together?
•Consider taking a lead role in moving toward a committed relationship. Granted, many women still fear scaring the man away if they're too assertive. But Chethik says most such worries are groundless. His research indicates that just 20 percent of the men polled believe “the man should be in charge.”
An increasing number of men - especially younger men - favor women who are assertive rather than passive in a relationship, according to Chethik. Proposing to a man still represents a risk, but it could also mean you move more quickly to your goals of marriage and homeownership.
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