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I’m dating Scarlett Johansson.
Really, I am.
Well …
OK, I can’t back that up.
But if I was …
It would be none of your damn business. I don’t care if she wins 11 Oscars and I’m playing quarterback for the Cowboys, our relationship would be none of your concern and if you were concerned about it, I seriously would question the status of your life.
Rubs Me Raw brings this up because some people actually deem it news that Eva and Tony may be on the outs.
OH MY GOD! Please say it’s not true.
Local television reports and even this newspaper wasted precious space speculating on the status of Eva and Tony. Last time I checked, there was a war going on. Maybe it’s just me, but that should warrant more attention both from the media and the readers.
Instead, earlier this week we got Tony and Eva updates: Are they still dating? Are they broken up? Are they going to marry?
WHO CARES?
And if you do care, then here’s a dollar … go buy a life.
You heard me!
Tony Parker is the Spurs point guard. The NBA season is about to begin. The Spurs are the best show in town. The only questions Parker should be answering and the only answers we should be interested in are BASKETBALL questions and answers.
Sports stars and media stars are going to hook up. That’s been true since forever. Usually, the bigger the sports star, the bigger the celebrity.
Unfortunately, the details of such unions always have become fodder for national consumption.
Maybe the first such relationship was Marilyn Monroe and Joe DiMaggio. They got married. They got divorced. So sad.
Brooke Shields and Andre Agassi was a hot item. They each have moved on but remain good friends, according to their publicists.
Lance Armstrong and Sheryl Crowe were the hot couple for a while. Yet they decided to go their separate ways, but wish each other the best of luck.
Of course, Dennis Rodman and Madonna was all the rage, especially when Rodman detailed exploits in his book. Then Rodman moved on to Carmen Electra. Now, Rodman toils in obscurity.
Other A-List couples that make the lifeless salivate have included Jeter and Mariah. Or Tom Brady and Mariah (she apparently gets around).
Wayne Gretzky and Janet Jones are married (what, you don’t think she was a celebrity? Want to bet?). Sergei Federov and Anna Kournikova (she was never a sports star) were going at it hot and heavy until she latched onto some Iglesias dude.
Even B-List celebrities hook up with athletes of equal stature.
The B-Listers would include Alyssa Milano-Carl Pavano and Leigh Ann Tweeden-Josh Beckett. Who could forget Jeremy Shockey and Paris Hilton, although that relationship was more from the C-List.
Speaking of C-List, Tara Reid (is she even a celebrity anymore?) has a whole team of former athlete boyfriends: Brady, Shockey, Kyle Boller and Federov.
Now I’ll admit that occasionally these relationships are good for a laugh. Few remember Tawny Kitaen as the beautiful and loving fiancé in the 1980s classic “Bachelor Party.” Some remember her dancing seductively on a Jaguar in those Whitesnake videos. Yet more remember Tawny beating the hell out of former MLB pitcher Chuck Finley with a high heel during their obviously rocky marriage.
This is just sampling of what you can find on the Internet if you have a few minutes to spare. Apparently there is a bunch more juicy tidbits out there in cyberspace but they would get me fired if I were to click on the links.
Point is, beautiful people love beautiful people. You may say there’s a kinship there most of us don’t understand and therefore it’s interesting.
I say that’s stupid.
Most of us have relationships and the kinship is the same and every bit as personal. Many of you have children and those relationships are even more important. You should take more interest in those relationships rather than Eva and Tony.
An athlete or celebrity and their partner of choice is not sports news. If it belongs anywhere it is those tabloids you find in the supermarket checkout stand.
But really, whatever is up with Tony and Eva is none of your business just like your relationship in none of their business. I promise you, dear reader, you have a life. You don’t need to live vicariously through athletes or celebrities. It’s not important or even interesting what they’re doing. They’re probably not doing anything different from what you’re doing.
So, the next time a local TV sportscaster asks Parker about his girlfriend, change the channel to CNN and get some real news. Next time the Express-News donates 15 inches of copy to Eva and Tony, put it down and pick up the Star that comes out on Sundays.
And the next time you see a picture of Scarlett Johansson, remember that we’ve decided to put our careers first but we wish each other the best of luck.
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