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Now that I’m all grown up, I tend to forget how awkward and frustrating it was to be a teenager. Yet for all that awkwardness, it was an amazing time of discovery.
One major discovery was the opposite sex. Boy, that was fun, but only when put into a healthy context. What happens when something goes wrong? What happens when there is no healthy context? What happens when teens find themselves in an abusive relationship?
Domestic violence has always been a problem, and one that is easy to ignore. We value privacy in this country, often to the point where we willingly look the other way. “It’s none of our business”— that’s my favorite rationalization. Such rationalizations build up a wall of silence and that silence can kill. And among teens, the problem might as well be invisible. As sure as teens go out and party, go on dates, and yes, even have sex, they will also find themselves in abusive relationships. Unfortunately, there are few places to turn because we as a society do not do enough to educate teens on healthy relationships. I mean, let’s face it: We have sex-ed classes being taught by physical education teachers. That alone shows you how seriously we take this.
In February of next year, a national teen dating violence hotline will be run out of Austin, funded by Liz Claiborne and the National Domestic Violence Hotline. It’s about time, too. Statistics from the National Domestic Violence Hotline show that nearly one in three teenagers knows someone who has been assaulted by a partner. One in five teenage girls has been threatened with violence upon breaking up with a boyfriend. One in seven teenage girls has reported being a victim of violence in their relationship. Even more sobering is the fact that research into teen dating violence is still quite new.
This is a systemic problem. It would be easy to blame it on the proverbial bad apples, but that’s not the case. We all bear some responsibility here. While school boards hem and haw over whether or not there should be a sex-ed curriculum at all, people are getting hurt. While the congress and state legislatures continue in a futile and pathetic quest to appease religious fundamentalists who only want to shove their heads in the sand, young girls are getting hurt. While society at large wants to play “let’s pretend” and ignore the unpleasant truths about teens, sex and violence, people are dying.
Wouldn’t it be better to address this problem directly? Teens are going to get into relationships and have sex. Abstinence-only education is a fantasy on par with Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. It has no basis in reality. Now how does sexual education interact with teen dating violence? Glad you asked. Good sex-ed is not just about “insert part A into hole B,” or taking care of an egg for a week. Rather, it addresses what a healthy relationship is and is not. Without that information, which is not provided at home all the time, it is easy to fall into the clutches of an abusive partner.
To abusive people — more often than not men — relationships and sex are not about an equal exchange of affection and support. Rather, they are about power and control. We live in a patriarchal society. Some men mistakenly feel it is their right to control the woman. Too many teenage girls are taught to believe in that despicable lie. The younger a girl is exposed to this sort of manipulation, the more likely it is she will continue to fall victim to a controlling and abusive partner.
I’m willing to bet that many of you are thinking, “Why don’t they leave?” It’s not that simple. An old adage is that the only person who can take the pain away is the one who causes it. Some young girls find the abuse romantic, believe it or not. Often they see their friends suffering the same abuse and mistakenly think it is normal. Sadly, most often teenage girls believe there is no place to go for help.
The dating violence hotline is a good start and I hope it will receive funding from a variety of sources. However, to truly address this problem we have to start with sexual education that addresses what a healthy relationship is. Once again, teens will have sex. Stating the obvious is not ceding moral ground, nor is it inherently immoral. Immorality lies in mistakenly believing we can curb this behavior and ignoring situations that bring actual harm. Let’s meet teens where they are so young girls will know the warning signs of an abusive partner when they see them. Let’s remove our heads from the sand and teach teens of both sexes what a healthy relationship really is. Violence should never enter into one.
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