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Break room Romeos: Office romances can work

Date: 2006-09-19

Most singles have some kind of policy, personal or professional, against dating in the workplace.
Most break it.
Sue Webb did when she was younger, but she's since decided the stakes are too high. "It causes favoritism, employees' minds are not on-task and work is compromised," the Salt Lake City resident said.
But she realizes that doesn't stop people. "Maybe it's the thrill of being naughty and/or desired, but people continue to risk everything, including families and kids, for romance."
Popular television shows like "The Office" and "Grey's Anatomy," both of which have season premieres this week, include a lot of workplace intrigue and have had real-life office workers abuzz this summer over what's going to happen between the couples entangled with each other among cubicles and supply closets.
In this year's annual Office Romance Survey by workplace information company Vault, Inc. of about 700 workers, 58 percent of respondents said they tried an office romance. That's the same as last year,
but overall, the number has been increasing steadily over the past few years.

And although many people, including human resources experts, say it's often a bad idea to hook up at the office, 22 percent of the Vault survey's respondents said they met a long-term partner at work.
On "The Office," viewers knew salesman Jim had a crush on Pam, the receptionist (who was already engaged). Despite their sexual tension, she was oblivious - until the end of last season, when he confessed his feelings.
Barry Gomberg, who directs the Weber State University Affirmative Action and Equal Opportunity office and teaches business ethics courses, hasn't seen the series. But in general, he said, someone in Jim's situation should think about what could happen before asking a colleague for a date.
If you do go for it, "What I recommend is that you not approach the issue the way you typically do when you enter into a courtship relationship," he said, explaining that most usually flirt for a while before making their intentions known. But doing that could lead the other person to misinterpret the flirtation.
"The person receiving these flirtations doesn't get the chance, early on, to say, 'No, thanks. I'm not interested,' " he said. A relationship might form incrementally until one person has had too much and backs out, or the one on the receiving end of innocent flirtation might be needlessly offended. "My thought is, it's probably better if an individual who has a crush is more honest about it at the start."
Gomberg also said if you bring up a crush, ask nicely, don't put pressure on the other person, and be clear that it's fine if he or she says no. If a relationship does form, make clear that it will be OK if the other person breaks it off. Some companies even ask employees involved with each other to sign documents affirming the relationship is consensual.
"It may not be the most romantic approach, but that's one of the trade-offs when you're dating people at work," Gomberg said.
This is especially true when one person has more power in the workplace than the other - a situation that could lead to subtle feelings of obligation or entitlement.
Tammy Brockman had a bad experience with dating at work, and she isn't about to try it again. "I was once hired by my fiance (he was the boss) for a sales position. I was skilled and did a good job. But he really took advantage of my presence there and wasn't the best boss," she said. When she discovered him romancing other women via the Internet, she said, "all heck broke loose at the workplace. It was painful and certainly didn't help me stay focused on my work."
When another man approached her later, at a different job, she said no to his invitation.
Her story illustrates one of the big problems with dating at work: What happens when dating coworkers break up?
Things can get even stickier if one person doesn't want to break up and the other does. Those multiple phone calls begging for another chance don't go over well when they're made to a colleague.
"The problems increase enormously when the relationship breaks off. When one of the individuals doesn't want the relationship to end and he or she pushes the other person to continue, and he or she doesn't want to, that's a classic case of sexual harassment," Gomberg said.
The stakes are higher when one of the people involved is already married. About 50 percent in the Vault survey said they knew someone who'd been involved with a married coworker.
"The ethical implications of that raise even greater implications, and in fact, I've seen that play out," Gomberg said. Things get especially difficult when coworkers know the other spouses, he said.
Some workplaces have rules about dating colleagues, typically forbidding relationships in which one directly supervises the other. At Weber State, the policy said such relationships involving supervisors must be reported to a mutual supervisor, "so they can mitigate if not eliminate it," Gomberg said.
Whit Hollis, who works at the University of Utah, has seen staff members dating and getting married. He has no problem with colleagues dating each other, but even in cases where it worked out, "once other staff and students found out, it made the work environment uncomfortable for a lot of people," he said.
Gomberg said some research indicates dating in the workplace can make workers happier and more efficient.
Bryan Goins, who used to date at work frequently but doesn't now that he is a manager, has seen that happen. "I think happy people are better performers," he said. "The bottleneck always comes down to those who ruin it for everyone else. I can handle those exceptions."
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CHRISTY KARRAS can be reached via e-mail, at ckarras@sltrib.com or 801-257-8604. Send comments about this story to livingeditor@sltrib.com.





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