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My friend, let's call her Beth, just got out of a relationship with a man who had done some time — several times, actually. The charges were drug-related, not violent crime. All this happened before they met and, really, she didn't care. It was in the past, he had moved on from that and turned his life around.
The relationship died, but it had nothing to do with his criminal activity or record.
"We all make mistakes and are more than what we do or don't do," says Debbie Mandel, author of "Turn on Your Inner Light: Fitness for Body, Mind and Soul." "Someone who has committed a crime, paid the price and learned from it to become a more sensitive, positive force, then who are we to throw stones?"
Debbie and Beth are clearly better people than I am.
As someone whose biggest crime was shoplifting a $1 bracelet from some store in Lake George, N.Y., when I was a tween, I don't really do crime. Nor do I do men who do crime — at least, not what I consider serious crime.
I can handle some white-collar illegal doings — a little tax tinkering here, insider trading there — as long as no lives are ruined, other than the offender's.
Violent crimes, or those involving hard drugs, though, are out of the question — at least, for me. I don't want to become the next victim.
Some people say both kinds of criminals do damage, just in different ways.
"You can walk down the street and probably not be physically attacked by someone with a white-collar crime record," says Andy Edelman, professor of criminal justice at the University of Phoenix's south Florida campuses. "But those same people are destroying lives, and they can be more costly in terms of dollars and cents."
Maybe my lack of criminal tolerance is a matter of not being open-minded enough. Who knows? But who's to say those violent or drug-related activities won't lead to other illegal behaviors — maybe against me.
Not only that, but a conviction doesn't go away. That little line on job applications will never again be blank. Also, if I have kids, do I want them raised by a father with that kind of record? Absolutely not.
Beth didn't go for this guy because of his rep (or ex-rep, as she points out). In fact, though she knew he had had some run-ins with the law, she didn't find out the details of his criminal past until she realized she was falling for him. But for some singles, that criminal past is a thrill — or a badge of honor.
"There are some people who are conformists, and at times, they resent it and want to be nonconformists," says John Ostwald, an assistant professor in the Department of History, Philosophy and Social Sciences at Hudson Valley Community College in Troy, N.Y.
Dating a bad boy (or girl) can give them this feeling of nonconformity. He equates it to an accountant playing Texas Hold 'em at a casino. The gambling, like dating a criminal, results in that "I really am wild" feeling.
Beth doesn't think the relationship was about a rush but something much less titillating. She thinks it was about hope, a thing she says she has come to bank more on as she gets older and less naive.
While choosing to see people (including herself) for what they could be (or have overcome) rather than what they are (or do) isn't necessarily a good philosophy when it comes to dating, it can certainly spice things up, she points out.
As Beth reminds me: "Loosen up and you, too, could have ex-con experiences."
Thanks, Beth, but I'll pass.
BY KRISTI GUSTAFSON
Albany Times Union
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