Today (Aug. 18) is my wife's birthday. Since I would like to stay married, I will not reveal her age.
But I will reveal that her mother was 42 when she gave birth.
What is the relevance of that fact to the world of dating? Simply that never-married men and women who want to have children tend to hold totally different views of the age at which a woman can still get pregnant.
I call it the "Baby Gap." And that gap is a major reason why so many single women in their late 30s and early 40s have trouble meeting men. It was also the cause of many heated "discussions" that I had with both male and female members during the 23 years that I ran a dating service!
(I should add that the "Baby Gap" rarely exists between men and women who are divorced with children of their own.)
Unfortunately while operating my dating service, I did not buy into the concept that "the customer is always right." If I had, I might have saved myself a lot of grief. Nevertheless over the years I observed the "Baby Gap" growing ever wider.
You see I am sorry to report that even today, many single men who want to have children still hold the somewhat archaic belief that women over 35 are too old to get pregnant.
At the same time, many childless women well into their 40s are adamant in their belief that they would have no problem conceiving, and therefore they insist they only want to meet men who still want to have children.
Of course the truth is that with scientific advances in the field of fertility, women these days can get pregnant well into their 50s and beyond. But studies have also shown that a woman's chance of conceiving peaks in her 20s and somewhat decreases every year thereafter.
However, the purpose of this column is not to lay out the scientific facts about when women can get pregnant or sustain a healthy pregnancy.
Rather I want to focus on the dating consequences resulting from the "Baby Gap."
As I said previously, many, many men still harbor the belief that women over 35 have as much chance of getting pregnant as scoring a hole in one in golf. That is they think it's possible, but highly unlikely. Of course, some men conveniently maintain that belief as an excuse to meet only younger women.
I interviewed many men over 40 (and even some over 50) who absolutely insisted they would not meet any woman over 35 because they still "want to have a baby." To make matters worse, some of these men, when responding to the question of the age range of women they want to meet, started calculating backwards from 35.
Often they would stammer "I want to have a child, but I first want to date a woman for a year or so, then get married, then travel a lot, then maybe start trying to have a child, and hopefully in another year or so we would have a baby. So, why not match me with a woman no older than, say, 32?"
Sound strange? Actually that was a pretty common response from many men!
Try telling such a man that he should consider meeting an attractive woman who is 40, very healthy, and definitely wants to have her own biological child, and he just laughs and shakes his head. Try insisting that he should check out the existing research in the field of fertility, and that's when the previously-mentioned heated "discussion" would begin.
Then a few days later I would interview an attractive, fit 40-year-old woman who would insist that she will only meet a man who wants to have children. And, since she is so healthy and active, she will not meet any man over the age of 42 who, by the way, must agree that he will have a child with her before he even agrees to meet her -- or she won't meet him.
"I am not sure I can match you that often," I would respond. And another heated "discussion" would commence.
Accusations of sexism and ageism would fly. If I tried to explain that a lot of men in their late 30s and early 40s (who want to have children) will not meet a women over 40, she quickly retorted, "Why not?"
And she would recount a list of celebrities over 40 who had babies in recent years, usually starting off with Murphy Brown, aka Candice Bergen.
So what advice can I pass on to childless single men and women in their late 30s and 40s in an effort to narrow the "Baby Gap?"
First, be flexible. Remember age is just a number, and there is some truth to the fact that a woman who is healthy and fit still has a decent chance of getting pregnant well over the age of 35.
Second, consider adoption as an option. When interviewing any childless man or woman over 38 (or so) who said he or she wanted to have a child, I would always ask if they would be willing to adopt. Those who answered affirmatively increased their chances of meeting someone by about 200 percent!
Third, take some responsibility for being in your current situation. If you are 40 and childless perhaps you spent too much time either focusing solely on your career or "playing the field" socially. Perhaps it is time for you to be a little more flexible.
Fourth, consider meeting someone who already has children. Nothing bugged me more than when I would interview a man or woman over 40 who said they did not want to meet somebody who already had children because they didn't want to deal with someone else's "baggage."
No indeed, the customer is not always right!
Steve Penner was the owner of the Boston-based dating service LunchDates for nearly 23 years and interviewed and listened to feedback from thousands of single men and women from all over New England. The Truth About Dating reflects insights and observations based upon his experience. He welcomes feedback and comments at pennerst@hotmail.com or at the Web site www.thetruthaboutdating.com.
