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STRESSFUL careers, long working hours and hectic social lives mean that more and more of us find it difficult to find and meet potential partners. Differing expectations of relationships mean that even if we do meet people while out socialising or through friends, the “where is this going?” question always hangs in the air. And for the increasing numbers of separated and divorced people looking for love, methods that worked in their teens feel completely wrong in their thirties, forties and beyond.
All of this spells success for the increasing number of internet dating sites available to the web-savvy single. According to a survey earlier this year by dating information site topdatingtips.com, 62 per cent of people said that they found it difficult or completely impossible to meet new people in normal life, and 69 per cent of respondents would now consider using a dating website, against just 20 per cent for whom it was a definite no.
For Ray Williams, 42, a divorced marketing manager from Hyde, the website Datingdirect.com has been a fairy godmother. He met accountant Natalia Butorina, 40, just over two years ago and they’ve been together since.
Both Williams and Butorina were looking for people with strong family values and the experience to deal with each other’s children. Their relationship followed the perfect course for an encounter through the internet, according to Williams.
Neutral venue
“We emailed for about a week then agreed to meet at a neutral venue for a drink. We hit it off straight away. On our first date we simply had a drink together, then on the way back home I texted Natalia to say thanks, and how about meeting again? We met a week later and had dinner and got to know each other better.
“At this point we both felt that this was good and we could be right for each other. We arranged another date, at the end of which we kissed.
“From then on we were finding it difficult to be apart. Our first daytime date was a day in Liverpool. It was a very romantic.
“Since then we have moved in together and have fallen deeply in love,” he says.
Light-hearted affair
For Manchester charity worker Rachel Hyman, 32, online dating has been a more light-hearted affair. She says: “I’ve been online dating on and off for about two years. At first it was a fun way of meeting new people for dates. I enjoyed quite a few first dates, but didn’t have many second ones! I met quite a few people I’d never have met otherwise and ended up having a six month relationship with one person. I met a few real dorks as well, but it was all part of the experience!”
Like Williams and Butorina, though, Hyman has high hopes of her latest relationship from cyberspace and credits the internet with bringing them together. “Though we have similar interests and a similar outlook on life, I’m in no doubt that we wouldn’t have met if it wasn’t for the internet.”
Hyman, however, admits that some of the stereotypes of online dating can be true. “It can be a time consuming business replying to emails and chatting online,” she says, “and some people are definitely more comfortable online but incapable of holding a conversation in person.
“Also, you can never tell from a photo whether or not you’re going to fancy someone.”
Life coach
Ruth Rosselson, a life coach from Chorlton who has worked with clients on dating issues, stresses that the internet can be valuable, but only if users have realistic expectations.
Rosselson also stresses the pluses and minuses of the internet for different individuals. “One advantage is being able to get to know someone gradually and at a relaxed pace by chatting online or via email. However, you should also remember that it’s easy to hide behind online personas. For those coming back to dating after long relationships, online dating offers the opportunity to dip your toe in the water as slowly as you feel comfortable. It’s a good way to build up your confidence.”
Not everyone strikes lucky online, though. For businesswoman Rebecca Davies, 34, from Wirral, the internet was a disappointment. According to Davies: “I was looking for a Jewish partner, because I didn’t want to be the only Jewish person in a relationship, and for other reasons. I used sites like totallyjewish.com and aish.com, and sites referred to in Jewish newspapers.”
Nine months of on-and-off dating brought no joy. “My experience was that internet dating was a waste of time,” she says. “I had four dates and a relationship with people who clearly had different life priorities from me. ”
Tips for web dating
- Keep safe – follow the range of measures that all good dating websites will suggest.
- Go for sites with free registration and browsing but payment options for communicating with other members – there will be fewer time-wasters. Pick one which does not automatically re-bill you, but allows you to pick when you’re active and when you want to take a break.
- Be honest – if you exaggerate you’ll be found out!
- Think about what makes you different.
- Think about what you are looking for – some sites are better for people looking for casual encounters, while others cater for long-term partners.
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