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By Catherine Specter
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Stacy Innerst, Post-Gazette
Click illustration for larger version.
Weigh the risks of dating sites
About 16 million people say they have gone to dating Web sites, and most of them say they have had positive experiences, according to a survey released in March by the Pew Internet & American Life Project, which studies Internet issues.
Moreover, 17 percent of them, or roughly 3 million people, say they have entered long-term relationships or married someone they met through the services.
Many who use the Web sites, however, don't take that extra step to follow through with an in-person meeting. Just 43 percent of the online daters, or about 7 million people, said they had gone on a date with someone they met through the sites.
On the other hand, 66 percent of Internet users agree with the statement that online dating is dangerous because it puts personal information online. And 57 percent agree with the statement that a lot of people who use online dating sites lie about their marital status.
-- Catherine Specter
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Pittsburgh knows how to score, at least on the football field. But on the dating scene? That's another story.
Once again our city performed poorly on Forbes Magazine's sixth annual 40 Best Cities for Singles survey. Pittsburgh has hopscotched around the list from dead last (No. 40) to not-so-embarrassing (No. 29) last year to our 2006 ranking released last month (No. 32), perhaps best described by our unofficial motto, "Dating? Cool, lemme finish this sammich and watch the game."
And among the seven categories evaluated for each city -- singles, nightlife, culture, coolness, cost-of-living, job growth and online dating -- Pittsburgh scored a pitiful 33rd in online dating.
My advice column that appears in this section most Sundays, Cat's Call, often addresses relationship and dating issues. Pittsburgh's ranking on online dating surprises me because these days it's rare to meet or receive reader mail from singles who don't do the online thing. Yet the Forbes poll, which calculated the cities' rankings based on the number of active profiles per capita on Match.com, implies that Pittsburgh singles are not very active when it comes to dating in general.
Interestingly, Forbes' metric for determining a city's number of singles was simply "the percentage of a metro's population above the age of 15 that has never been married." I can't think of many (or any) 16-year-olds who have tied the knot, and maybe our city's disproportionately older population unfavorably skewed the rankings, but that doesn't explain everything.
For many singles who have yet to take the Internet plunge, there's a strange taboo and a touch of embarrassment about online dating. It's like admitting you go to the laundromat just to hit on chicks. There's nothing wrong with online dating, but some people who do it regularly won't admit it, and many won't post their picture. Why all the secrecy? The fear of looking desperate, but that's only because e-dating is still not a universally acceptable means of socializing.
Readers ask me all the time how I feel about it, how best to approach it, or how to respond when user "IWANT2DATEU" hasn't written back in two weeks. And since the plethora of Web-based dating services can stymie even the most seasoned onliner, here's a brief guide on how to get started.
Internet dating is the catch-all phrase used to describe the process of meeting people via the Web. Your computer is like a window into a singles bar that's open 24/7. You don't have to converse with people, in fact you don't even have to respond to them. You can scroll through thousands of profiles while you wait for your laundry to dry. It's like hitting 50 bars in an hour without having to find parking.
Of course, the "meeting" part doesn't always happen. Some people simply want to e-mail, chat, and talk on the phone, and they're less interested in Internet dating and more interested in virtual sex. It's necessary to mention because if you delve into the world of Internet dating, you're bound to find a good number of people who operate with a different agenda, and it's not always obvious from the get-go.
Start by signing up at a dating Web site. Choose a username, answer the questions, check the boxes and fill in the blanks. Include as much or as little info as you're comfortable sharing with the world, and the same goes for posting a picture of yourself. The less info you include -- including photos -- the fewer number of responses you'll get.
On most sites it's free to post a profile, but if you want to exchange e-mails, view members' full profiles, or chat, you'll have to pay. The fees range from $20 to $50 per month. As a general rule, the more a site charges, the more -- allegedly -- they offer in sophisticated services.
For example, there's a notable difference between a site like Yahoo! Personals and a more "serious" site such as eHarmony, which claims to match people based on true personality compatibility for serious, long-term relationships. A site such as Match.com falls somewhere in the middle. On Yahoo!-like sites you can write just about anything in your profile, while an eHarmony-like site requires you to take a rather exhaustive personality test and verify that you are not married.
There are sites for all kinds of interests and commonalities: religion, nationality, friendship, basic hookups, sexual orientation, etc. Do some due diligence; some sites claim to be for general dating, but once you get going you may realize the people are only looking for one thing and it's not a date. So keep an eye open.
No matter which site you choose, you have to provide an e-mail address so the service or other users can contact you. I strongly suggest you set up an address that you plan to use only for this purpose. Get a freebie account from Hotmail, Yahoo, whatever, and when you set up that address never include your full name in the "From" box. Just enter basic initials or the same username that you chose for the dating site. I know people who thought they had made every attempt to remain anonymous only to find their e-mail addresses and full name in someone else's header.
A few tips:
 Don't get too personal in your e-mails with other users. Say you live in the West End; don't mention your street. Say what work you do, but not where you do it.
If you decide to meet someone in person, do it in public. Do not go to someone's house when meeting for the first time. It's shocking how many people venture to strangers' houses, at random hours, just because they sense a real "connection" from e-mails and a few phone calls.
If you go from Web to phone, give out only your cell number if you have one. They're safer because they're not listed and they log calls and texts.
Read profiles carefully. Don't disregard comments like, "Still live with my parents" or "looking for casual fun" just because the person is hot and looks like a good catch in other ways.
To those who haven't gone online, get rid of the fear. At this stage city pride alone should get every single "single" signed up. Remember, Internet dating isn't a replacement for live dating, it's a private and inexpensive complement to the real scene outside your door.
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