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The world of dating is like a terrifying battlefield in which there are two types of women: Some are dating champions, who can get any guy they want, make an excellent first impression and get marriage proposals on the first date.
Then there are those who never stop making faux pas, terrifying even themselves and returning home just as they left – desperate and alone. This is natural genetics, or in some cases, as I've learned the hard way, acquired skills.
My bitter dating experience began in eighth grade with my first informal date. My mother’s looks stayed with the frightened Yoni until he went downstairs after being subjected to a large collection of photos of “little Koren naked in the bathtub” and “Koren dressed up as Little Red Riding Hood,” being asked to provide detailed reports on his parents’ monthly income, and being interrogated as to whether he was serious about his work at McDonalds.
Pre-teen love
Now understand, Yoni was my walking fantasy. Every time I saw the guy in the hallway my heart beat so hard it almost made a hole in my body. All the dreams I had between the sheets were about Yoni and his blond spiky hair, and about the day when he would notice that I exist and perhaps even fall in love with me.
There's no need to go on at great length to describe the failure of the evening. Yoni didn’t fall, but I fell a lot.
I bumped into the walls, I pushed people aside without noticing they existed, I knocked over the food because I didn’t notice that my meal had already been served to me. And worst of all, I missed Yoni when he came up to me to kiss me. I moved aside and his lips sucked the electric pole right behind me. It was a complete disaster.
Since then I’ve exchanged my glasses for contact lenses, but my dating resume has suffered additional abuse, from incidents involving exes to hummus spread all over my clothes.
Here, then, are my ten plagues of dating:
1. The geographical plague. First of all, you’ve been given an incorrect address. You’ve already covered the entire city and then, when you think you’ve come to the right place, you discover that you're nowhere near the restaurant Afterwards you see that he’s chosen a terrible place – either the food's no good, you used to come here with your ex, or it's really expensive, so you’ll spend a ton of money at the beginning.
In addition, it’s a location with lots of people and no privacy, there’s a bachelors’ party going on at the same time and your date is making eyes at the curly-haired guy on the right. As if it isn’t enough that you’ve wasted a free evening on her, now you’re going home to bed alone as well.
2. The physiological plague. The plague of humidity that takes over the body, which responds with shivering, with sticky, dripping beads of sweat, a grumbling stomach, and even saliva that drips from the mouth to the edge of the chin. The body has identified a stressful situation, and it responds accordingly. Or could it be that the lasagna was spoiled? Throughout the date, all you can think about is the toilet at home.
3. The “all Jews are friends” plague. Privacy is a rare commodity in these parts. The moment your feet land in the movie theater you discover friends from your army service/ girlfriends from your office/ your ex and his new wife/ yesterday’s date/ your mother and father/ your boss and others who will tell your partner things that he shouldn't know about you, or who will attack you the next day in the office with “who’s that disgusting woman you were making out with all evening?”
4. The mistaken identity plague. We don’t always call our new partner by the right name. Problems of tactlessness are liable to come up on the first date. For instance: You’ve reserved a place in a meat restaurant and the guy’s a vegetarian, or you’ve taken him to a romantic evening in a field of flowers and he’s got allergies to sunflowers and winds up in the emergency room for an urgent cortisone shot. You thought that it would be nice to tell him that you are dying to have a child, but who would have thought that he’d tell you he’s going to the bathroom for a second and then never come back?
5. The senility plague. The high point of the evening: Kissing, sex, another intimate situation. You’re drooling over him, but when the big moment arrives, you have a mental lapse and can’t remember his name. There are common names that could work for your first attempts, and you could also say “You! You’re amazing!” Another faux pas, even worse, is to call your new partner by your ex’s name.
6. The communications plague. He asks you a question and you haven’t been listening. Eventually he gets annoyed that you are ignoring him, but he’s talking nonsense, and you are gazing at the owner of the cute butt in the next chair.
7. The previous incarnation plague. It turns out that your date is someone you’ve been out with before and you didn’t remember, and you’ve already figured out who you’re dealing with—too late. You have to dump him yet again.
8. The exhaustion plague. Who knew that she’d want to see that three-hour Icelandic film? You got up this morning at 5:00, so it’s no wonder you fell asleep in the middle.
9. The “screw-up” plague. In the first phone call you bragged that you have an important job, that you are self-employed, that not long ago you bought an apartment without a mortgage. And now you’ve arrived at the date, he’s waiting for you to split the check, and you discover that you’ve left your wallet at home. A loan on the first date. That means that you’ll have to see the jerk at least once more. Or else you’ve said goodbye, wished him a good life, and then you discover that it’s 2 a.m., your car is parked in the middle of the wilderness, your cell phone is dead and your engine won’t start.
10. The pet plague. He comes to your house, the lights are dimmed, there’s romantic music, you’ve closed the windows, you’ve cooked food, and you’re already warming up on the couch, and then your nervous Labrador latches on to his balls.
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