By Marie G. McIntyre
By Marie G. McIntyre, Ph.D.
McClatchy-Tribune News Service
Q: I have been "dating" a guy at work for about three years. We are both married, so of course everyone gossips about us. The problem is he is very popular with other co-workers, and I don't feel I get as much attention from him as I used to. He says he cares about me and doesn't want to end the relationship, but I don't know what to do. When I try to put some distance between us, he just acts like it doesn't matter and it makes me crazy. Should I break it off?
Lonely at Work
A: For starters, let's be honest. You and your colleague are not dating. You're having an affair. If you were dating, you could ask him over to your house.
Close working relationships can easily become romantic, because every work environment is a little world unto itself. Co-workers not only share goals, problems, pressures and successes, but also have a common group of friends and acquaintances.
When both parties have spouses, a workplace affair allows them to create a Fantasyland where they can escape the marital burdens of chores, child care and finances. Office couples can share secrets, declare their undying love, and have sex whenever a convenient opportunity presents itself.
Within your own fantasy world, you are dealing with a common real-world problem: jealousy. You resent the time your "boyfriend" spends with others and feel hurt when he seems indifferent. Has it occurred to you that perhaps his motives for this affair may not be the same as yours?
I'm an office coach, not a marriage coach, so I won't tackle the morality or propriety of your actions. But let me suggest you do need to consider why you've been playing this game for three years. It must fill some empty space in your life.
To get back to my own territory, though, let's talk about work. Because knowledge of this affair is widespread, your professional future could also be at risk. If decision makers know more about your romantic life than your work accomplishments, they may overlook you when career opportunities arise.
Some people do manage to combine office romance and job success, but for many others, it's a train wreck. And the sad but true fact is moral judgments still weigh more heavily on women. For example, have you ever heard of a true male equivalent for the word "slut"?
Only you can decide whether you should break off the relationship. But please recognize this truly is a game. And games end, usually, with winners and losers. If you can find a way to make your real life more rewarding than this artificial romance, you will be a much happier person.
Q: I think our employees would really enjoy having a company gym. I would like to present this idea to senior management, but don't know how to sell them on it. Do you have any suggestions?
- Health Nut
A: To make your case effectively, focus on business goals and business problems. Having a gym would be great for employees, but how would it help the company?
Here are some possible business benefits. Energizing exercise breaks can help employees be more productive. Having healthier employees will help to hold down health-insurance costs. Employees may work longer hours if they can exercise on-site instead of going to a fitness center.
To persuade your executives, tailor your arguments to their particular goals and values. And if you have high-level managers who are into fitness, enlisting them in the sales pitch will greatly increase your odds of success.
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