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Chinese parks turned into marriage bureaus

Date: 2006-07-25

There are 200 or so middle-aged men and women gathered in Beijing's Zhongshan park, and the refrain you hear repeatedly is: "Nan de, nu de?"
'Boy or girl?' The question is uttered sometimes with a sheepish grin, at other times with a look of desperation.

Under clusters of shady trees overlooking the Forbidden City's Tongzi moat, they huddle, debating the merits or demerits of a potential candidate. Some flit from group to group, scrutinising photographs, studying posters placed on the ground and placards hung around necks.

A typical notice reads: "Girl, 28, 1.62m tall, university graduate, steady job, good pay, blood group O+. Husband must be over 30 with steady job."

This may be the age of online dating, but for these park-goers, nothing beats old-fashioned match-making when it comes to finding mates for their grown children.

Hence they display their home-made "personal advertisements" for their sons and daughters, many of whom have no clue what their parents are up to.

Seated on a park bench, old Mrs Wang spots a friendly face and calls out: "Nan de, nu de?" Two out of three times the reply she gets is: "Nu de(Girl)".

The petite woman sighs and says: "You see how difficult it is to find a husband? Most of the parents here have unmarried daughters. It's driving us crazy with anxiety."

In China, where sons are favoured because they carry on the family name, 117 boys are born for every 100 girls, well above the international norm of 104-107 boys to 100 girls.

But at the park, there are more parents seeking husbands for their daughters. It underlines a trend in China's leading cities where more women, generally better educated and in well-paying jobs, are delaying marriage.

"People always talk about how men outnumber women in China, that many can't find wives. That may be so in rural areas, but in our cities, it is the women who cannot find husbands," said Xie Zhenming, deputy director of the Population and Development Research Centre of the State Family Planning Commission.

"The more well-educated the women are, the harder it is for them to find a partner. Men are looking for wives, not professors."

There are over one million single women in Beijing and Shanghai, according to state media.

Those who marry are marrying later too. The average marrying age was 24 for men and 23 for women in 2001, but experts say that in the cities, it is closer to 30.

Sociologist Zhou Xiaozheng of the People's University in Beijing said of the rising number of unmarried women: "It is not that these women are opposed to marriage. They cannot find a suitable mate and so put it off."

It is a sign of the times, said sociologist Hu Xingdou of the Beijing Institute of Technology.

"Unlike their parents, they feel that they should not rush into it. Marriage is not the most important event of their adult lives," he said.

Changes in attitudes towards marriage can be attributed to China's economic development, which has meant better jobs and better pay for younger people.

"These factors allow people to be more independent and to put their own personal happiness, interests and careers first. At the same time, work pressures are also making people think twice about marriage because of the heavy responsibilities," said Prof Hu.

Single white-collared executives such as Mr Tan Rui, 29, agree that getting hitched takes a backseat to career these days.

"Our priorities have changed. We've got big dreams and the means to fulfil them, something not possible for our parents' generation," said the communications officer with an international environmental agency. 'We don't want to be bogged down by a spouse, a child and two sets of parents whom we have to look after.'

His parents nag him all the time about being single. But, like most of his friends who are unmarried too, he is fending off family pressure.

A vastly more liberal attitude towards premarital sex is another reason why marriage is being delayed.

Recent studies show that 70 per cent of Beijing residents surveyed said they had sex before marriage. In 1989, it was just 15.5 per cent.

"There is now a distinction between sex and marriage," said Prof Zhou. "In China, the start of a person's sexual life has been pushed forward, but the marriage age has been pushed back."

This cresting wave of singlehood in big cities is unlikely to subside anytime soon, said Prof Hu, who felt that the quality of China's urban population could be affected eventually.

"City dwellers have better education and living standards, but they don't want children. Rural folk are less educated and have a lower standard of living but they have more kids. If this trend continues, the quality of urban dwellers will depreciate," he said.

However, demographical concerns are far from the minds of the parents who turn up in droves at parks across Beijing, as well as in Shanghai and Nanjing.

Many had their marriages arranged and see nothing wrong with playing match-maker for their children.

The rate of success is low though, admits retired university lecturer Liu, a regular at the park meetings, seeking a bride for his son, a 32-year-old university lecturer who has just returned after years of studying in Japan.

"But we have to try, right? We want them to have a family life, being alone in your old age is depressing," said Liu.

After a whole afternoon of earnest hunting, old Mrs Wang is about to call it a day. She has exchanged contact details with one parent whose son she reckons may be right for her daughter.

Other parents are more picky, but they will be back.

Asked what she would do if her 28-year-old daughter chooses to not to marry?

Mrs Wang shakes her head vehemently and says: "Absolutely unacceptable. So what if you have a job, lots of money, a car, a house and everything else? Without love, you are not complete!"





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