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Answering your letters

Let me remind you that last week I told you about the program about international marriages that was shown on Russian TV.  In that program they collected all the negative cases and presented them as natural state of affairs. As a result we have many scared women.

On the weekends, by the way, again in prime-time this film was shown again. To reinforce the effect.

We’ve received a lot of responses on this subject. Here are some of them.

Dear Slava,

Thank you for the newsletters you sent every time.

I like to respond about the issue in your latest about fear from Western men to go to Russia and Russian Women who would go to the west (USA or Western-Europe).

I think it is normal as they made the TV program you told about. A lot of the media (TV, Radio, Newspapers) only think news is interesting if it is bad, the public want to read and hear only bad things. It sells better. It is sad but true. You don’t hear or see about good things, the media is not interested in "happy endings". At least a lot of them.

Overhere the general idea is that if a man is looking for a Russian/Ukraine woman he is to stupid to find a Dutch wife. And the idea is that Russian woman don’t want the man anymore when she is here. People just have that idea and you can’t change that. As I said; bad news is better for the papers. It sells.

I think that if your Ladies are afraid after the TV program they should ask the man were they are corresponding with about the subject and men should explain. But you don’t know if they trust Western men anymore.

Best wishes,

Martin, Netherlands

Dear Martin,

That’s exactly the thing that we always advise to our women – to talk to men, to share all their doubts and fears with them. Not to put off any problem points “till later”. However, in practice it appears to be the most difficult. Besides, no man will reply: “Yes, my beautiful lady, I simply want to kill you!”.

Nevertheless, a woman can rely only on her intuition, on her curiosity and on the experience of the agency that she trusts in.

Only asking questions one can get answers!

Martin, it was funny to read what people in the Netherlands think about those men who marry Russian women. It is always helpful! :) And it teaches tolerance.  

I’ve heard a lot of varied opinions from different countries, but one thing is common in them – as soon as a man gets to know Russians better, for instance, if his friend or brother married a Russian woman, then he doesn’t want to have any wife, but Russian! ‘Cause he feels the atmosphere in such family.

We had a client whose mother was Russian. After her death, his father came to Russia again and chose a Russian wife for himself. Now he is grown up and can you imagine – he wants only a Russian woman because he knows what a Russian woman is.  

I think that all these people who love to tell horror stories, just don’t know WHAT IT IS – being married to a Russian woman. :))

Hi Slava,

I was sad to read in your February 12th newsletter about the Russian TV program about international marriages. It's odd, there was a similar program on American TV about 3-4 weeks ago. The program advised men of the "dangers" involved in international marriages, especially in Russia. The program implied and infered the following: many russian women involved in this process had, let's say to be polite, "questionable" backgrounds or nefarious motives; amercans' in bars must be carefully watched so that knockout drops aren't put into their drink, so that you can be robbed or beaten; you could easily be a victim of a robbery or mugging; and in one case a American husband was murdered by his russian wife for their insurance policy. I'm sure that many American men whom watched this show were appalled or terrified at the thought of going to Russia. I'm sure many men received calls from their family or friends, begging them not to go to Russia for safety considerations.

Please tell these American or western men whom write to you, concerned about their safety in Russia, the following: put some steel in your spine and just go to Russia, and see for yourself! I've been told that the Russian people are very nice, proud, generous, warm-friendly people, whom like Americans and will go out of their way to help people.

I was sorry to hear that some of your russian female clients were horrified by the program, and concerned about their safety. My feeling is that the overwhelming majority of people invoved in this process are probably very nice. I'm sure that their are some "bad apples" in the crate on both sides of the Atlantic, but this shouldn't frighten people from taking chances. The Chinese have a saying, "take risks, but don't gamble", that is my advice also, to all the lovely Russian ladies involved in this process.

A friend in America,

Kevin Hopkins

Dear Kevin,

Really, it is odd that similar films were released in different countries almost at the same time. Though, besides ordinary interest, there is another ground. Both America and Russia are preparing special legislative mechanisms that will regulate and put this sphere in order. The frightful thing is that these commissions consist of people who simply hate those who choose international marriages. At least, in Russia it is just so. One of the so-called “experts” of this film was a member of such commission.

So we don’t expect anything good out of these legislative initiatives, though some laws and norms are of course necessary.

Kevin, you are absolutely right when you tell that their are some "bad apples" in the crate on both sides of the Atlantic, but this shouldn't frighten people from taking chances.

    Guys, you shouldn’t forget about it even if you have been unlucky to take out “a bad apple”.

Dear Slava

I read your newsletter, It was disappointing and sad to here about that program aired on T.V. it seems that we are all getting bad information in both Countries. I can understand how this would distress the women greatly. I would be willing to have a background check done on me for any woman I was serious about, and I would be willing to cover the charges to have this done. I think that this is only fair, because these women are willing to change there lives completely for us, so if we can give them a sense of comfort it can only make there adjustment to this country much easier.    Andrew.

Dear Andrew,

It is much easier for men in this regard. We, the agency, check our women: collate their profile with passport information, constantly keep an eye on women to have only ones interested in marriage in our catalogue and so on.  However, we can’t give this guarantee to our women – it aggrieves them. Certainly, the fact itself that a man is ready to pay for the service every month –even if so small sum – gives some guarantees of his financial state. But what can indicate his mental health, tell about his past (probably, criminal one?). So, we are not tired to say to men: always remember what a risk a woman takes for your sake. Appreciate and respect that. You must do your best for your woman to feel comfortable and secure.

Dear Slava,

I tried to contact you while I was in Moscow, but I could never get through on the phone. After meeting with so many ladies I became a little overwhelmed and decided that I wished to spend much of my time with Elena G.

I think that we definitely had a connection, but I do not know where it may go from here.  There is such difficulty with visa's, change of life and other things, it leads me to wonder if any woman from Russian can overcome such things.  I do not know how to proceed, but I sincerely believe that if Elena would give me a chance then we could possibly find happiness with each other.  Unfortunately I do not believe that I could move to Russia because of my situation with my children and my business here in the US.  I know it is a lot to ask for someone to leave there country, especially a country with such rich culture and heritage as yours.  I hope that we are able to find some common ground and we may be able to see each other again soon.  I suppose only time will tell.

Thank you for all your help.

Tim Thorsen

Dear Tim,

If a woman came to our agency it means she realizes that her future husband will be a citizen of another country. And therefore she will have to move to another country. The problem is that many women just don’t believe that it will work out. And when everything goes right, they suddenly find themselves unprepared to big changes.

Last week one of my clients came to me. Her documents for a fiancee visa have been sent to Moscow and soon she will have an interview at the Embassy.

She came to me because she was very worried. She corresponded for a long time with her future  husband, met with him. They talk over phone almost every day. But the visa process is long, so she even didn’t think about what lies ahead. Now she knows that in the nearest couple of months she will take a plane and will fly to America and only now she has realized what she ventured upon.

Can you imagine that?! She has millions of questions in her mind and no answer.

    I advised her and her fiance the following:

- her fiance must take a detailed photos of the district and the street he lives in, the shop where he loves to do shopping, his neighbors, friends and send them with comments. She will get accustomed to all this before she will come to America and she won’t feel so lonely.

- the same with the house. Make a detailed “excursion” around the house for her with the help of your camera. The pile of dirty dishes – photograph it too, let everything be real and not like in the pictures of the hotel. Tell her where you will sleep, where she will take a shower. Where you will have breakfast. It is all very helpful, ‘cause there is nothing worse than uncertainty. Often say to her such things as “this is our house”, and “this is our bed. Do you like it?”. You can even shoot a video and send it by post.

- describe her your ordinary day, minute by minute. It is amazing how two ordinary mornings can differ, say, in Russia and in America. Tell her what you had for breakfast, did you cook yourself or went to a café. What you think about your boss. :) What you do after job.

- this rule is for both: tell more often about your feelings. If you believe you’ve made the right choice, tell her about it. Your friends envy you – tell her about it. The first thought that came to your mind in the morning was “I wonder what she is thinking about now?” – tell her about it.

All these simple rules have an aim to relieve of anxiety, alarm about the future, uncertainty.  I hope it will help someone else!

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