When writing a letter you often don’t know what issues you’d better choose and what questions you should ask. On one hand, you can ask whatever you like because you don’t know her at all! On the other hand, possible questions are so numerous that you get lost!!! Which ones should come first? I think each of you can think over the list of questions that YOU find important. To help you do this, let me offer you a list of questions, or rather topics that you should discuss with your potential wife. Discussing them, you will learn to find the points of similarity and be tolerant (if possible) to a different opinion. If you clarify the issues mentioned below you’ll be able to enjoy your wonderful evenings together in love and concord but not in quarrels.
Possibly, some points will seem funny to you. Well, read everything carefully and then I will tell you real life stories and you will see that because of some points families were about to divorce.
“Helpful Marriage Similarities” by Neil Clark Warren
1. Socio-economic background of family
3. Formal Education
4. Verbal skills
5. Expected roles for both persons within the marriage
6. Views about power distribution within the family
7. Desired number of children
8. When a family should be started
9. Child-rearing views
10. Political philosophy
11. Views about smoking, alcohol and drugs
12. Amount of involvement with in-laws
13. Sense of humor
16. Desire for verbal intimacy and ability to be intimate
17. The role of conflict and how to resolve it
18. The way to handle anger
19. How friendships with the opposite sex should be handled
20. Expected amount of privacy and rules for its use
21. Level of ambition
22. Life goals
23. Attitudes about weight
24. Faith and spiritual beliefs and preferences
25. Amount of church involvement
26. Family spiritual involvement
27. Hobbies and interests
28. Type of music enjoyed
29. Energy level for physical activities
30. Sexual drive and sexual interests
31. Amount of income to be spent and saved
32. How money should be allocated - clothes, vacations, etc.
33. Amount of money to be given away and to whom
34. Degree of risks to be taken with investments
35. Attitudes about cleanliness - house, clothes, body, etc.
36. Ways of handling sickness
37. Health standards - when to see a doctor
38. Interpersonal and social skills
39. Amount of and type of social involvement preferred
40. Geographical area in which to live
41. Size and style of house
42. Type of furniture and decorations
43. Amount and type of travel preferred
44. How to spend vacations
45. How to celebrate major holidays
46. How much time to spend together
47. When to go to sleep and get up
48. Temperature of home during the day and night
49. Activity during meals - talking, watching TV, etc.
50. Television programs preferred
Well, did some points really make you smile? :) Let’s examine some questions. I can talk endlessly about it, but I will tell you only some stories to save time.
Everybody knows that the most stable family is built by the people who have roughly equal status in society and level of education. But why do we forget about it when we look for a wife?
Oksana stayed in England not long. She was a Doctor of Technical Sciences, former teacher at the prestige institute. She just couldn’t change her life for a life of a plant – only eating and sleeping. It was just what her husband induced her to do. Being a low educated man, he didn’t let her continue her education, didn’t welcome her striving to find a job and so on. She told that her husband’s way of life had turned to be simply murderous for her. Their marriage broke.
By the way, it is a good question to discuss: will your wife work? The economical situation in Russia makes almost all women work. Some dream that after marriage they will not work. Others can’t imagine their life without work and they don’t agree to be a “couch dog”. Natasha, for instance, didn’t want to work after marriage. But soon she found out that her husband had almost no savings, instead he had debts. To improve the family situation, Natasha volunteered to go to work, but her husband strongly objected to it! (The reason lay in jealousy: he was afraid that at work someone would seduce so smart woman). Whatever the reasons might be, these questions should be discussed before wedding!
Equally important question is children. Do you want to have your own children? How will you bring up the children of your wife? How should she treat your children?
Irina dreamed about a child and she got pregnant just after wedding. But this news upset her husband: he wasn’t going to become a father so soon. Think, how Irina felt being alone in a strange country, without support from her friends and relatives, where all the people spoke different language – how she felt being pregnant and not needed. Luckily, during these 9 months a future father reconciled himself to his role. How many nerves they could have saved if they had discussed this question beforehand?
Gulnara didn’t marry an Englishman though everything was ready for their marriage. It was an unpleasant surprise for her that the daughter of her fiancée appeared to be seriously ill. Her father felt sorry for her and he allowed her to do everything that she wanted. She made piles of rubbish, poured sauces at TV set, in general, entertained herself in all possible ways. And it was just after hard cleaning Gulnara had done! At that it was forbidden to make remarks to his daughter and to teach her to keep order. The might-have-been stepmother couldn’t put up with this.
Brian describes his marriage as happy one. But as soon as someone mentions the name of his stepson, he looks awful. The boy is absolutely uncontrollable and he gives a bad example to his own son. How should he bring him up?
Sadly, there are many examples of this kind.
You shouldn’t neglect “less serious” questions as well. Bill came to Russia only for Lilia’s sake. But at the very first dating he understood that he saw a potential member of the club “Anonymous alcoholics”. At 11am Lilia drank so much beer he could drink only for the entire night! :)) Luckily he had “a reserve variant” and he met with another girl he is corresponding with now.
Soon after her leaving for the USA Maria told us that her marriage was ready to break! Her husband forces her to sleep naked, but she is very cold :)). She has to wait for her husband to fall asleep and then put on something. And in the morning, before her husband is awake, she gets dressed. It would be funny, if it weren’t so sad. How long can she endure it?
Reema’s husband buys only red erotic underwear for her. She is shy to put it on and feels a “selling herself” woman in it. But she has no other underwear besides it now.
Is it possible to speak about a warm family with mutual understanding in these cases?
Talk about everything BEFORE WEDDING. And remember: the best way to get a reply is to ask a question! Don’t imagine anything to yourself, but ask about what interests you.