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It was a typical night in Irvine, Calif., for Angie* and David*. The attractive Asian American couple – Angie dressed in Banana Republic and David in a T-shirt and jeans from the Gap – were at the drug store to pick up cleaning supplies and the latest issues of “Marie Claire” and “Vogue” for Angie. At the checkout counter, Angie fumbled through her purse looking for her wallet. Trying to help, David reached in, took out her black Prada wallet and handed her money to the young male cashier. He gave David the receipt and said, “Here, give this to your mom.”
Angie froze. David was not her son. He was her boyfriend of two years.
Then 38 and 28 years old, respectively, Angie, a Vietnamese American, and David, a Korean American, met in the workplace. Their relationship began as a friendship between coworkers and the topic of age never came up, though initially David had assumed Angie was his same age. Their 10-year age difference was and is highly unusual for an Asian couple where traditionally the man is older.
“I viewed Angie as an equal,” David says. “I wanted to have a relationship that was a partnership.In past relationships, I’ve been the dominant one, leading all the time. It’s nice to have someone who can take that role, too.” And being younger, David says, did not make him feel any less masculine. “I’m not an insecure guy.” ,
In the wake of Demi and Ashton, it seems like David’s sentiment is growing increasingly common. Ron*, 27, has dated Asian women from four to 14 years older than him and he says, “When a man has a younger girlfriend, he’s giving out orders and advice. I like to accept suggestions and advice from my girlfriend. I learn more from her than a man would if he had a younger girlfriend.”
The older woman-younger man concept seems to be trendier than ever. In fact, in 2005, 38.9% of men on Match.com, a popular Internet dating service, said they were willing to date a woman five or more years older; this is up from 27.2% in 2002. And 41.9% of women in 2005 said they were willing to date someone five or more years younger; this is up from 30.9% in 2002.
But do these same statistics hold true in the East West dating game? Are older, sexy Eastern women flaunting their boy-toys?
Dr. Wei-Jen Huang, also known as the “Love Doctor,” is a professor and clinical psychologist at Northwestern University Medical School who specializes in couples counseling. He says there isn’t formal research on these types of May-December pairings, but based on his personal data he believes such unions are increasing. Dr. Huang draws from his own client base, which is over 50% Asian American.
Anecdotal research conducted for this article also shows that the older woman-younger man dynamic is, as Dr. Huang observes, growing more common but not without some culturally specific hang-ups in Eastern communities. One must look at Asian American relationships as on a continuum, says Dr. Huang. “When Asians grow up in America, there is still the collective Asian cultural unconscious that affects their psyche,” he says.
Gavin W. Jones, professor with the Asia Research Institute at the National University of Singapore, describes this psyche. “It is certainly the norm in Asian marriages for the husband to be older than the wife,” Jones says. “In Hindu, Muslim and Confucianist societies, patriarchy is the norm, in other words, men taking the key decisions and women taking, or pretending to take, a subservient role.”
As such, an older Asian American woman who ventures into a relationship with a younger man, Dr. Huang says, is going against years of tradition and might ask herself: “Is there something wrong with me for being in this relationship?” This self-doubt, Dr. Huang adds, is an “additional burden” that one would be less prone to feel if they were Caucasian and in the same situation.
Jean, a 36-year-old Korean American filmmaker, understands the tendency to question and doubt. She felt it most when she had to introduce her husband John*, a Korean American business owner and nine years her junior, to her family for the first time. “I thought I should be with an older man,” she says. “That he would be more of a leader (if he was older). Plus, it was culturally shameful to be with such a younger man.”
Much of this type of hesitation, Dr. Huang says, stems from the ideas of one’s parents. Asian Americans, men and women, are more open-minded than their parents who often come from a more homogenous culture. He describes parents as stuck in a time capsule. For example, if the parents immigrated to the United States in 1975, then they stay with that mentality even if their home country’s culture changes over time.
This seemed the case for Jean. Her mother initially didn’t approve of her relationship, but in time after meeting John, she accepted him. The couple now has two daughters.
For Loren, 28, a Filipino-Chinese American student who is five years older than her boyfriend, the main concern lies in appearances. It’s as if Asian Americans in these age-gap relationships face a double whammy — the guy looks young, but by being Asian, he looks even younger, Loren says. “It is this, not tradition, that has becomethe source of my discomfort more than anything else,” she says. Loren also adds that she has dated other younger men in the past who were not Asian, and in those cases, their ages seemed to “even out” because she looked younger while the man looked older.
Tradition is also not a pressing concern for Sophie, 31, a Chinese American writer who is six years older than her husband Robert, 25, a Chinese American investment banker. “When we first met, Robert was only 23, and I was concerned that he hadn't yet been out in the world long enough to satisfy any curiosity about sex and other women. But what I objected to most was that at 23, he might not know himself completely.” After two years of marriage, Sophie says they still miss each other even if they are apart for only a few hours.
But even when things work and it is hugs and kisses all around, there are still challenges, obstacles or at least possible points of contention. The topics of money and children can lead to tensions unique to older woman-younger man relationships.
Despite the age difference, most of the men interviewed say they remain old-fashioned and they like to pay. Loren says she subconsciously tends to expect Asian guys to pay because of Asian patriarchal tradition but does not expect the same of non-Asian guys. “I have dated a good number of younger non-Asian guys, but I find that regardless of if they are younger or older, non-Asian guys tend to be more ready and willing to let me pay.”
Eastern cultures also put great emphasis on continuation of the family name, with age of the woman being a significant factor. “Up until very recently, there was a concern in East Asia that women over a certain age — often a very young age, like 23 — were no longer suited for marriage,” says Timothy Tangherlini, professor in the UCLA Department of Asian Languages and Cultures. “Part of the fear was probably related to ancestor worship — women too old would have foreshortened child-bearing years, reducing the chances for male offspring.”
Even though technology and infertility advancements may have quieted most these fears and arguments against an older woman-younger man relationship, there are still many hurdles for such couples. From family discontent to differences in appearance, it remains somewhat curious why more and more Eastern women are still drawn to younger men.
Loren says she and her friends laugh about being Mrs. Robinson and being the sexy older woman. “In my circle of friends, it’s jokingly considered a conquest to date a younger guy,” she says. There’s also the power dynamic, Jones says. He explains that when the wife is older than her husband, she tends to have a stronger say in decisions. And in a modern Asian American marriage, that has appeal.
* Name has been changed to protect privacy.
By Jennifer Kim
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