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Q How do you go about finding someone? I'm sick of the bar scene, and don't want to fool with the online dating services. You got any ideas for me?
A: One of the best ways to find what you are looking for is to know what you are looking for.
You do this by identifying your requirements, needs and wants. A requirement is something that you must have in a relationship. An example would be wanting to have children. It's an issue where you cannot compromise, because you cannot have half a child.
A need is close to a requirement, but is negotiable as to when, where and how the need is met. A need is still important because every time a need is not met, it creates an issue that must be worked out. Wanting to spend some time by yourself would be a need.
A want is nice to have, but is not necessary for the relationship to work.
Once you are clear on your requirements, needs and wants, you are ready to learn the four essential skills for singles: scouting, sorting, screening and testing.
• Scouting is simply looking out into the world and looking for people that you are attracted to. Some people you notice will not even be considered, others may require further investigation, which leads to ...
• Sorting is discarding those you know will not be a candidate, and then pursuing further those who might be a possible match.
• Screening is checking out whether this person is a potential match for your requirements, needs and wants. For example, if you are thinking the clerk at the grocery store is a potential candidate, and one of your requirements is that she likes kids, one of the screening things you can do is say something about your kids as you go through the line. If she says, "Geez, how can you stand them?" you know right away that this person is off the list. If she says, "Oh you are so lucky, you sound like a great dad" you know you can pursue this further.
• Testing is checking to see, through real-world interactions and events, if this person lives out what they talk about. For instance, if someone claims to be a compassionate person, and then reams out the waiter for getting the order wrong, you are getting valuable information that you must pay attention to.
When you are clear on your own requirements, needs and wants and then use these four essential skills for singles, you stand a much better chance of finding someone who could be the love of your life.
Jeff Herring, MS, LMFT, is a marriage and family therapist.
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